This topic contains 23 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by 
David Hayward 1 year, 10 months ago.
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Greetings everyone!
As victims of crime, my wife and I are presently wrapped up in a court situation that commences this next week. Any encouragement or words of advice are appreciated as we travel down this road.
My wife and I are attending a court hearing involving our former sr. pastor, and my boss – a wolf in shepherd’s clothing. He inflicted multiple modes of abuse upon us, our friends, and our staff over a period of more than a decade. Today I understand him to be a narcissistic sociopath (perhaps even a psychopath). He is passive-aggressive, highly intelligent, crafty, deceptive, malicious – an incredible actor. He gained power and accolades across our denomination and earned status as a national leader. He also chaired our denomination’s bible college. Under his leadership, our denomination toted our church as the example of what its churches were to become…. until you lived inside it, like I did.
Specifically, my wife and another young woman are the primary victims involved in this trial. As teens, both of them came from vulnerable backgrounds. Individually, each had approached Mr. Sicko (youth pastor at the time) for counsel. Mr Sicko groomed them and eventually invited them to move in with his family where he shared, “a father’s love”. PUKE! I too was invited as a youth to come and live with him, but didn’t accept his offer – he apparently wasn`t partial to boys or girls. While we are confident that there were other victims, they haven`t come forward.
Following the explosive disclosure of what was years of abuse, stemming before our marriage, and through our marriage, life caved in for quite a while. We made the decision to move, in order to find a safe place; we literally feared for our well-being (even our lives). We immediately abandoned my employment as a pastor, and left our hometown, our lifelong church, our families, friends and some of our future dreams.
This guy had done such a psychological number on us; we were traumatized. I was so beat down (sometimes literally smacked) that I didn’t have much self-worth or sense of value left in me. I was starved for any crumb of validation. Upon becoming free from the toxicity and abuse, we were able to make some sense of just how bad things were, and how afraid we were of this guy. We would scan parking lots for his vehicles, even after moving 3 provinces away from him. I’ve had crazy and traumatizing nightmares for the last couple of years. The slightest thing can set me off. We’ve seen numerous psychologists and counselors on a regular basis since early 2010. After 2.5 years, I’m now on the mend from PTSD.
Our marriage today is stronger than it’s ever been, because there is no longer someone sucking the life-blood out from under us. Obviously though, we still have much to work through and heal from.
So, there’s a peak into the crazy world we’re coming from…. not even a synopsis.
We are entering into this trial, starting next week. We are looking forward to getting through this point of life. It again feels like we have to funnel life through this event, before life can open up again. While we aren’t as apprehensive as we were at the earlier trial (pre-trial), there’s still a lot of stress, vulnerability and fear. The younger woman, especially, is having a difficult time, and is experiencing panic attacks. She’s an orphan, and has virtually no supports. She also left everything, and is starting over in a city near us.
We have been victimized… and then victimized again… and again…. and again. This court scenario just continues that process in so many ways. But our hope is that through this, others will be spared from the trauma and destruction we`ve endured, and are still enduring as victims of clergy abuse. When what you thought was the safest place in the world, becomes the most dangerous place you’ve ever lived, it’s hell. We are grateful that we don’t live there anymore! We have a new home now. It’s not just in a new community, city, and province. For us, we’re living a whole new life, on a whole new planet!
Through our journey, much was deconstructed, or rather, burnt down. However, what was constructed was the notion of spiritual independence. It has only grown throughout the latter 8 years of our journey. It was spiritual independence that whispered hope and freedom to us, when we only felt despair. Today, spiritual independence is no longer just a whisper, it`s a song. No longer suppressed by the toxic world we once lived in. For years we were passengers riding in someone else’s car, being led by their vices and devices. Today, we are no longer just along for the ride. We are drivers; empowered to chart our own course and drive our own destiny.
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This topic was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by David Hayward.
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This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by David Hayward.
“It was spiritual independence that whispered hope and freedom to us, when we only felt despair. Today, spiritual independence is no longer just a whisper, it`s a song.”
Wow what a story! Thank you for sharing it. Please keep us posted about the trial.
“We are drivers; empowered to chart our own course and drive our own destiny.”
You will! You will!
AnonymousVerritus, I literally got chills when I read your message. My family’s circumstance was a completely different situation, but we too were horrific victims of white-collar crime committed against us by someone in a place of power. He specifically used my mother’s vulnerable circumstance to profit himself in many ways over a long period of time. He was charismatic mastermind who we would have least expected to take advantage of our family in this way—over the years he had gained our trust and respect and to find out that his actions were all fabricated was such a hurt to us as a family.
There was a huge year-long investigation before he was finally fired from his position and charged with the crime. Then came the trial which lasted over a year. More than 30 witnesses testified against him, but my mother was the primary witness. It was the hardest thing for her to do, take the stand against him and to see him shaking his head in denial the whole time was more than rough on our family. In the end he was found guilty and was even given jail time, a sentence many thought he would escape given his “clean” record. Justice was finally served for our family, other victims, and his many co-workers!
My mother had a chance to read her victim-impact statement prior to sentencing and most believe that had a bearing on his harsh sentence. It was in that moment that the healing began—it was our day in court at last! He showed complete lack of remorse and is still in denial so we have had to move forward without closure on that level. It’s bee challenging but closure is slowly coming. This all took place within the last month, so it’s still very fresh in my mind.
We are still learning how to regain trust in those holding a position of power—that for sure has been the hardest part.
I am SO sorry that your wife and you had to endure this manipulation and abuse of power. My heart truly goes out to your family. It was calculated and wrong on every level. We have been there and know the emotions that the trial will cause but hope that justice will be served when all is said and done. I never thought we’d see the light at the end of this dark tunnel, but it ever so slowly came in time—and my hope is that yours will too.
Please continue to keep us posted on how the trial is going. My heart is with your family!
Verittus, I am sending you and yours all my loving and positive thoughts.
I know you will get through this, and it’s encouraging that you and your wife are stronger already!
All the best to you!
~Moxie
AnonymousSending you positive thoughts for your journey. I am so, so sorry that your family has been through something like this. You all sound like very courageous people.
Thanks for your cheers and encouragement starfielder, honeyglow, moxierocks and Amy. I’ll try to keep you updated in the future.
I appreciate hearing your story, honeyglow. When I hear about such injustice, it infuriates me. I can relate very well to what you’ve shared.
We were actually discussing closure tonight. We look forward to closure, so we can than focus our energy on the many exciting “openers” that still lay ahead.
Yes, the victim-impact statement is a powerful thing! We prepared one. After we did, we read it back to ourselves and just cried. It hit us hard – the reality and depth of our pain and losses at that time.
verritus, thank you so much for sharing.
I spent my life wearing blinders to this type of abuse until something similar (but not nearly as serious as you have had to endure) happened to a friend of mine. Sitting with her and empathizing opened my eyes and brought me full circle to the realization that many ‘normal’ appearing people are quite sick inside. This of course could easily have lead to my never trusting in anyone ever again which may have influenced some of my political voting decisions in past years
Fortunately I think I have found a middle road where I can still see the spark of God within each person while staying wary until I’m more comfortable. Forgiveness after betrayal however is still a difficult thing for me. The future is what’s most important and letting go of all that baggage I can carry without even knowing how heavy the load. One more suitcase full always seems to be waiting around the next corner. Looking around and feeling the love that’s always surrounding me gives strength. I wish that strength for you and your family. (hugs)verritus, please be assured I will be thinking of you and your family every day in meditation. Your post is horrifying, but also hopeful. If you need a prop for your self-esteem, perhaps you can remember that you and your wife not only recognized the problem you faced, but rescued yourselves. And then, having rescued yourselves, you stepped back in to keep this man from harming others in the future. That is a profile in courage, sir. Thank you so much for sharing this story here.
AnonymousVerritus, yes–writing and reading the victim impact statement is a powerful experience–and truly is the start of closure for the victim(s). We cried many tears as well as we read and re-read the statement. Seeing non-identifying portions of that statement published in the newspaper was further validation for our family. I pray this for you and yours!
Thinking of you tonight, Verittus. You’ve walked through some crazy stuff and I hope that you get just what you need at this time. Peace to you, Jeff.
Anonymousverritus – My heart breaks over the atrocities committed against you, your wife, your family, the other young woman, and your church friends! When you are abused by someone who is supposedly a “representative of God” it compounds the trauma, devastation, and sense of betrayal exponentially. I know this from personal experience.
I grew up in a “Christian” home. My dad was an evangelical pastor who was well respected in his denomination and also served on the district board for years. This man I had loved and respected all my life ended up sexually molesting my two nieces! And that is when memories of him doing the same things to me came flooding back.
There are NO WORDS to describe the horror of that moment when I KNEW that the allegations by my nieces were true, and I also KNEW my hero had betrayed my trust and robbed me of my innocence as well. That unexpected bombshell completely turned my world upside down. I was in shock, I was numb, I literally felt sick to my stomach, and my faith was shaken to the core! I felt like everything I had ever believed up to that point was nothing but lies.
However, knowing the truth also proved to be the beginning of my journey to spiritual and emotional wholeness. (I had been depressed my whole life but could never figure out why. For the very first time, the depression and the puzzle pieces of my life finally made perfect sense!)
My dad – at least the one I had known, respected, and loved for over 30 years – died that day. And the process of grieving and mourning began. I went to counseling and joined a support group for women molested as children which helped me stay afloat. I still sobbed all the way to work and all the way back home for months. It took a Herculean effort not to break down at work. And when I arrived at home, I’d have to pull it together for the sake of my husband and son. At home I did my crying in the bathroom and during the middle of the night. (My husband did not really understand what I was going through at the time.)
My brother discreetly went to church officials about our father (still in active ministry) molesting his two daughters. He was told the only recourse we had was to have a “church trial.” And who would be on the jury? All the ministers on the district board who had worked with and highly respected my dad for 40 years! We declined knowing our father would be vindicated and we would be re-victimized all over again! (The district president’s only concern was that the church’s image not be tarnished. He did ask my dad to step down from the district board “just in case things went public.”)
As a nurse, I had to report my dad to CPS. I made sure they understood he was pastoring a church and still had access to children. We waited for the axe to fall, and CPS never even talked to him about the sexual abuse allegations! Talk about crazy-making! The statute of limitations had run out on the abuse my dad had perpetrated on me, and my brother didn’t want to drag his girls through the court system, which I didn’t blame him for. The whole ordeal had already been traumatizing enough without his daughters having to testify.
For 2 years it was an emotional roller coaster ride. My dad continued to deny he had sexually abused me and my nieces, and even resorted to shifting the blame onto my nieces, and then my brother. Meanwhile, my mother insisted on sending us spiritually toxic letters riddled with guilt trips, and leaving phone messages even though we had made it very clear we did not want to have further contact with either of them. In the midst of that kind of crazy-making emotional abuse and spiritual toxicity, we had to sever the relationship with our parents for our own sanity.
It was maddening that there was no justice and no closure, and even more painful was the continuous string of what seemed like never-ending losses. We had parents yet we felt like orphans – and the loss of both parents was only the tip of the iceberg.
My favorite aunt and her daughter (my cousin and best friend for over 30 yrs), took my parents side and refused to believe me. That was a HUGE loss! And that was just the beginning of the losses we would experience over time, as other relatives and friends refused to believe us about the sexual abuse, or simply chose not to deal with it at all. In a strange way I kind of understand. If I and my nieces hadn’t been actual victims, I would not have believed my dad could possibly be a child molester either! BUT HE WAS – AND NO DOUBT STILL IS! When he is finally laid to rest, THEN I will consider him cured.
I’m not writing all this so you will feel sorry for me. I am sharing specifics because I want you to know that somebody honestly “gets” the deep pain you and your family are going through! And again, I am so sorry such horrendous things happened to you guys.
I really respect your wife (and the other woman) for being brave enough to testify about what happened to them in court! I can’t imagine how nerve-wracking that must be for all of you – especially when all you want to do is try to move on with your lives.
We never felt physically threatened by our dad, but my parents would inform us when they were planning to come to our town, and where they would be staying, in hopes that we would come see them. (Why would we want to see them when they repeatedly refused to admit the sexual abuse happened, and my mother constantly phoned us and sent letters with scathing “sermons” and guilt trips???)
It was nerve-wracking as hell when they made their trips to our town. The fear of possibly running into them around town was paralyzing! On a few occasions they parked in our driveways and “prayed” for us. One time my mother even had the audacity to show up at the hospital where I worked and sat in the waiting room all day waiting to corner me. Talk about violated boundaries! Everytime I left the department, I used the back exit and managed to avoid her, but I still felt like “the bad guy.” When my parents finally moved several states away, we could finally breathe a sigh of relief!! As hard (not to mention unfair!) as it has been to uproot your family and move away from your town, jobs, schools, and friends you loved, I’m so glad you are in a safe place now and that you won’t have to be looking over your shoulder anymore! You deserve to live in peace!
I hope and pray the outcome of your court trial is one where justice prevails and all the victims are fully vindicated! And that your “wolf in sheep’s clothing pastor” will be held accountable for deviously using his position of power to inflict horrendous pain and abuse on innocent people who trusted him to have their best interest at heart. I hope he will spend the rest of his life in jail so he cannot abuse anyone else ever again!! (Knowing the court system, that’s probably wishful thinking, but I do hope he gets sentenced to at least several years in jail.)
I pray you, your family, and all who were hurt by him will find emotional and spiritual healing, peace, and closure – and that you will not only survive, but thrive!! I have experienced incredible healing, and so will you guys. You are more courageous and stronger than you know! HANG IN THERE, THINGS DO GET BETTER!
Verritus: I know what it means to be under the influence of a powerful charismatic leader who abuses you. I also know the fear of running into them. I actually feel it right now. There’s no forgetting that feeling. I want you to know that I am here for you, and it sounds like others are too!
Verittus, so sorry for all the pain that leader has inflicted on your family…hope justice is served…. and strength for you….
Verittus, I just saw this post (new guy here).
Not sure what kind of church you were in (doesn’t really matter), but there is a FB group that also has a lot of similar stories and offers help and encouragement:
———————————————————————————————————https://www.facebook.com/groups/35429320847/
“You know what I’m talking about. You went to an IFB (Independent Fundamental Baptist) church three times a week. The Christian school you attended was connected to your church/cult, or you were home-schooled. Your church was committed to the “Doctrine of Separation” and strong discipline. You believed Billy Graham was the “bad guy” and that all other churches and religious organizations were/are disobedient and in “sin” (i.e. you were taught even the Southern Baptists were/are “compromising liberals”). Your church also controlled nearly every aspect of your life. Your family may have even needed to get permission from the pastor before going on vacation (if you dared leaving in the first place). If you are female (heaven forbid), you most likely wore long skirts and the IFB clothing item known as “culottes” most of your life whenever you went in public (you even went swimming in them).
You’re familiar with most if not all of the following:
“Bus Ministry”
“Soul-winning”
Gospel tracts
King James Onlyism
“The Bible says, ‘Touch Not God’s Anointed’ and that means ME!”
etc. “(forgot to check the Notify checkbox
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