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Anonymous… I am a victim of identity theft!
After ping-ponging in and out of church for years, and finally leaving the church for good 6 months ago, (and gratefully stumbling 2 or 3 weeks ago into this awesome community of recovering church addicts), I am now “detoxing” and realizing a lot of things I didn’t realize before. Like the sickening extent to which I have been brainwashed with “Evangelical/fundamentalist/”Christian” theological/doctrinal toxicity.
It has literally been woven into – and contaminated – pretty much every relationship, every activity, every thought, every desire, and every word I’ve ever spoken over the course of my entire life! To realize this “nebulous, subversive entity” has literally robbed me of my core identity comes as a real shock! Religious toxicity is as subtle as a “stealth virus” secretly destroying a cell’s original DNA and cleverly replicating it’s own DNA within the host cell; effectively hijacking that unsuspecting cell for it’s own sinister purposes! How can a cell/person possibly survive such an insidious attack?
I realize now that I have been victimized, manipulated and subtly controlled 24/7 by a subconscious “Christian agenda” which invaded every level of my development and being. No wonder I’ve had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for the last 16 years! (I noticed a couple of you mentioned ending up with PTSD and/or anxiety attacks because of the institutional church. Spiritual toxicity…the gift that keeps on giving! How tragically sad is that???)
The good news is that already, tiny step by tiny step, I think I am recovering my hijacked identity! Something happened today that seems to be evidence of that. I went to my crochet class at the local junior college, just like I’ve been doing once a week for three semesters now. The class is made up of women of various ages, ethnicity, socio-economic status, religious beliefs, etc. In spite of all the differences, there is genuine caring and great camaraderie amongst the women. As much as I admired and wanted to be a part of that, “something” always held me back from fully engaging with these women. Today that “something” was gone, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself and the women like I never have before.
I had subconsciously been trying to “be a good Christian witness” (whatever the hell that is!), because being concerned for people’s souls is “supposed” to trump everything else – especially having fun and enjoying oneself. Right? Today that ridiculous agenda was flat out gone! I laughed and entered into the friendly bantering back and forth and it was just plain fun! I caught myself “praying” on the way home, just thanking God for wanting me to experience fun, laughter, and life – without religious agendas! It sure beats sitting on the sidelines like some aloof stick in the mud!
Today I see that for me, the institutional church (and the “spiritual disciplines” they so effectively instilled in me) has been as destructive as any other religious cult. I honestly don’t think it is intentional on the part of most pastors and church people, but that doesn’t make it any less damaging and destructive to one’s personhood or spirituality! I am amazed that instead of despair, I feel hopeful that I have begun the process of recovering my original God-breathed identity.
After spending countless hours reading and re-reading the things you guys have shared about your own spiritual journeys (thank you so, so much!!), I find I am giving myself permission to question and re-evaluate everything I’ve ever believed about God and the church. I am exploring what truth is for ME – and not worrying about what truth may or may not be for someone else. We are all unique, which means it will be different for different people, and I’m perfectly OK with that! What a huge relief to realize I am not responsible for anyone else’s spirituality! And to finally realize that all God has ever wanted from me and for me – is for me to simply be myself, enjoy Him and enjoy life! What a novel thought, huh? WOW!!!! (I know I sound like a kid in a candy store, but I can’t help it! Let me at least savor my candy bar before having to tackle the more difficult questions – ha!)
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This topic was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by
David Hayward.
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This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by David Hayward.
Jo, what a beautiful story of freedom. There are enough should’s in this life to occupy the religiously responsible for eternity. Religion was so difficult for me because the list if things I had to do to be a good Christian never ran out.
I appreciate your thoughts because it seems that you found a place where you could just be. That’s all we could ever want for ourselves… To accept ourselves and others for who we are rather than who we think we are expected to be.Jo White, “What a huge relief to realize I am not responsible for anyone else’s spirituality! And to finally realize that all God has ever wanted from me and for me – is for me to simply be myself, enjoy Him and enjoy life! What a novel thought, huh? WOW!!!! (I know I sound like a kid in a candy store, but I can’t help it! Let me at least savor my candy bar before having to tackle the more difficult questions – ha!)”
Thanks for sharing your journey with us.
Great words Jo White. I have CFS too – 24 years now…. It’s much better than it used to be but looms over me. And yes, you will come completely out of the brainwashing effect! It’s a great day to realize the world is way bigger than you’ve been allowed to experience!
It’s funny because I came out of it many years ago and yet we send our daughter to christian school. I can’t even stand to go to the programs or choir concerts because it’s all pat and churchy. I’m allergic now – I can smell control a mile away!
When I left Streams 10 years ago I read every single book on cults that I could get my hands on and it was really helpful to my healing process.
“identity theft” is awesome jo. thanks for that!
Jo beautifully and honestly worded.
Anonymous“It has literally been woven into – and contaminated – pretty much every relationship, every activity, every thought, every desire, and every word I’ve ever spoken over the course of my entire life!”
Oh, yes. This. I’m a writer, and this has been a huge thing for me. For a long time, I thought that I had to “bear witness” through my writing, which meant that in the same way I had to keep my body/thoughts/actions “pure,” I had to do the same with my writing. Which really just made it weak and dull. I was so ashamed whenever something I created didn’t match the kind of Christian faith I was supposed to have.
Thank you for such honest words. That really resonated.
Oh Amy, I’m so happy you’re in this community! ” For a long time, I thought that I had to “bear witness” through my writing, which meant that in the same way I had to keep my body/thoughts/actions “pure,” I had to do the same with my writing. Which really just made it weak and dull. I was so ashamed whenever something I created didn’t match the kind of Christian faith I was supposed to have.” I’m finding that being present to our lives and fully present to our writing is so life giving!
So beautifully said. (And congratulations on reaching this freedom!)
AnonymousThanks everybody for all your kind words about my “freedom story!”
Welcome Amy and Shira!
AnonymousI’m having some cognitive issues lately (related to chronic fatigue syndrome), so I’m hoping some of you can help me out. The following quote is from that Patheos article I mentioned in an above post regarding fundies and how vigoriously they defend their viewpoints:
“Problems arise, however, when we become so emotionally attached to an idea that it no longer exists independent of our selves. We have invested so much of our lives into articulating and then defending the idea that it becomes fused with our identity. We don’t just hold an idea; we are the idea.
“I don’t just hold conservative views; I am a conservative.”
“I don’t just believe in universalism, I am a Universalist.”
If we’re not careful, we go from thinking, “My idea might be right” to “My idea can’t be wrong.” And the reason it can’t be wrong has less and less to do with the idea’s relative merits. It’s the fact you’ve ordered your entire existence around that idea, and if it’s wrong, well, you’ve wasted your life.
Rather than face that awful scenario, you fight like a caged wolverine to silence the voices of dissent. Seeking truth is so far back in the rear view mirror you don’t even recognize it anymore. Nothing else matters… except survival.”
I get the obvious point, but I feel there is some sort of “inverse correlation” that I can’t quite flesh out.
If the theological/politcal viewpoints of fundies actually becomes their identity, perhaps that may be the very reason those of us who used to be dogmatic fundies/church addicts, etc., are feeling such an overwhelming sense of loss, grief, and longing to belong?
Even though we have left behind a toxic identity, which is a good thing, now we have NO identity, which is very disconcerting to say the least. Especially since one does not form a new identity over night. That is going to take time – maybe a lifetime! Hopefully as our new identity grows, the sense of loss and grief decreases proportionally??? Or is that a pipe dream???Jo, your most recent comment raises very complicated feelings/thoughts for me. I have to go away and think about it a bit before I try to answer, but I wanted you to know that I read what you wrote and I think it’s very profound and humane.
AnonymousI get what you’re saying Shira. Don’t feel bad – it raises complicated feelings/thoughts for me too. Maybe that’s why I was having such trouble figuring out my own question! If you don’t want to think about this or respond to this, that’s perfectly OK.
When people in these forums say they now consider themselves athiests, that can evoke fear and discomfort in me. The only way I can deal with that right now is to tell myself that just because that is the conclusion they came to (and I respect that), that doesn’t necessarily mean I will end up at that same conclusion. (Then again, who knows?.Maybe I will.) But I just can’t think about that right now, nor do I need to.
All I can do is take this journey one baby step at a time, and just be present to where I am at the moment – instead of worrying about what I may or may not end up believing. That gives me the freedom I need to explore other viewpoints and questions. . If it’s truth, it can withstand scrutiny and questioning!
That’s very wise counsel Jo. Do not be afraid. No matter what we’re facing. The changes in our beliefs… our theologies… if we do them with honesty and integrity… will make sense as we go along. don’t predict the end. just walk a step at a time and it will be okay.
i so agree, guys. finding so much re-assurance here – thank you.
so often i’ve (subconsciously) thought that when i’ve understood / resolved this or that issue of belief, i’ll have peace but i’m realising that we need to have peace right here, right now, on the journey… not waiting to arrive at the shifting goal posts of a destination.
x
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