I'm a social mess

[SavageSotoParticipant]

I’m not sure why I’m posting this here, I guess I just need to vent briefly:

My whole life I have struggled to “fit in”, even when I was heavily active in church, I was kind of the out-of-place kid…though I usually had at least 1-3 friends (usually non-church friends, go figure) that I could consistently hang with and confide in.  I also had a few romantic interactions, although only one being a long-lasting, serious relationship.

Since getting stationed here in Cuba though, my social issues have seemingly increased.  I’m friendly with the people I work with but I can’t really say that I’m friends with them or anyone outside of them. Once in awhile I go out for a drink with some people but I spend most of the entire time keeping to myself because it takes an extremely long time before I open up and am social with people…I cant seem to force social interaction with strangers, it just doesnt and has never worked for me.

In addition  I have been single for 4 years now and while I’ve tried to be very patient in that time and generally try not to think about it, it’s become a painful embarrassment. It only gets worse the more I see people on facebook that I grew up with getting married and having kids…not that I feel I have to do all that right now but I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me? I thought joining the military would somehow help with me meeting people, both for friendships and relationships, but so far this has not been really true at all. And then that makes me angry at myself in a whole different way.

I hate not being able  to relate to people socially and thus crippling any chance at a normal life filled with love. I’ve never felt so damn alone in my entire life.

• This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  David Hayward.

[Anonymous]

Savage Soto I am glad you posted this. This is a very great thing to do. Just keep trying to stay positive. People will come in and out of your life. Join an interest group. Take up yoga, great people there, I’ve found.  If you drink much you could join AA.
Don’t wish your life away. Are you financially able to have kids? These days in America that is a huge and hairy proposition. There is overcrowding on the Planet I don’t know if anyone hipped you to that?  You could adopt a child though.  I think you should have a nice support structure for raising children these days. It’s crucial in this age.
Someone told me once, if you keep walking peacefully on your path, people will come when you are really ready for them.  Don’t wish for other timing. Be patient and keep reaching out. People who are not so shallow, ARE out here. They are few and far between though.  All the time you got to be focusing on loving yourself more, everyday. Being your own best friend is NOT an option, it’s a survial skill. Do it or die, bro.
Much love and respect for that outstreached hand there. I hope we can grab it. I hope you will find some encouragement in this group. And if they ever take this thing away from us (this internet). We will be mad as hell, try to find away around them, and till then we know, we are all out here, still tryin to walk it out.
I must say I am having much more encouraging moments of late. There is a lot of global love happening right now.  Maybe it affected your spirit and had you reach out. I know it was HS.  That’s an HS sign.  How ever, what ever, prayers on your position, incoming.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

I know what it’s like to feel lonely. There are some practical steps one could take:

1. start meeting with a counselor to process stuff and learn strategies on how to come out of yourself (I give this advice to everybody. I see a counselor on a regular basis, and it is extremely helpful.)

2. like Kath says, join interest groups.

3. get involved in a charity.

4. Read a good book on how to meet and date people. There are some good ones out there NOT of the “pick-up” sort.

You’re a good man Savage and you’re worth knowing and loving.

[AngParticipant]

I understand feeling like a social mess.  My circumstances are different from yours but I don’t fit in either.  My husband died and I don’t have any children.  I quit church which is where most of my friends were; but I found out most who pretended to be friends, really were not.   And now, after what happened at the church, I’m having a very difficult time trusting anyone to try to make new relationships.   And my health issues limit my ability to do anything to get out and start anything new.

So, I’m not here to give you great suggestions on ‘get out there and experience life.’    I just wanted you to know that someone understands.

I didn’t comment on your question about contentment but it made me think a lot.  For me personally, I think it would be really hard to be truly ‘content’ with not having someone to have a close loving relationship… whether that be parents, or children, or a significant other, or ?.

And it is hard to see people my age with their husband and kids.  So I can relate to how you feel seeing others getting married, etc. and how it seems to isolate you.  And when I’m with someone else my age, they are talking about their husband and  kids, and I just sit there.  It is hard.  Screaming out “Life is so unfair” would not be acceptable, would it?

The most helpful thing I have is my two dogs.  If I didn’t have them, I don’t know what I would do.  At least I go to bed with a warm body, even if they do have four legs.

I enjoyed our chat the other night.

I hope this isn’t a downer for you.  Sometimes, for me at least, it is just good to know that someone understands.

Hugs.  I really do hope that things will turn around for you.

[Anonymous]

I understand too.  For me, it’s being very much an introvert.  I just don’t warm to people quickly, and I don’t enjoy large, noisy gatherings with lots of people.  I need to interact with only a few people at a time.

I agree about the interest groups.  What helped me was joining a group of people with similar life circumstances.  I also play violin with an orchestra, and through that I found a book club.  I met my 2 best friends at church, but we remained close even after I left church.

One other thing, about marriage/family: I think both religious and social culture make it seem like that’s the Main Event.  Someone I know suggested that we should have “life” showers rather than just baby/bridal/wedding showers in order to celebrate other important milestones.  I’ll bet no one threw you a party when you joined the military, but they should have!  I understand wanting to get married/have kids, but give yourself permission to be a WHOLE person without those.  You’re not “less” as a human for being single, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

[moxierocksParticipant]

Loneliness SUCKS! Especially when it feels like all the people around you, and everybody “out there” are fulfilled and happy with vibrant social lives. I really feel for you! I sincerely hope that someone comes along in your life that brings out the best in you and fills your heart with joy and love. The companionship of true friendship, pure and unbridled is rare, and I can honestly say that I don’t believe I’ve ever had it. I might have come close, but dishonesty and betrayal destroyed it and I am still trying to put the pieces of my heart back together. Not even sure if that’s possible.

What I’m about to say is just to share my experience and perspective, and I don’t intend at all to make this about myself. So please read the following with that in mind. Feel free to take it or leave it: it’s just a window into my life and my own struggle with loneliness.

My life hasn’t ever been what I thought it would be. I was bullied by other kids constantly throughout my childhood, and I am the “black sheep” of my family. I made a few friends here and there, but they either moved away or we lost common ground and the relationships faded. I’ve never been “normal” and I’ve felt lonely all of my life. Including now. I do have a spouse, but my marriage of 13 years isn’t the be all/end all of social happiness that I think I expected it to be. He and I have some major differences in personality that I think we failed to uncover in the 6 months between meeting and our getting married. (I do not recommend it, but it happens! And in our case was because of pressure not to “do it” before we were married, so we married waaayy soon…such a shame!) He cheated on me, as I sort of eluded to a few paragraphs ago. Obviously I stayed with him. And yes, I do still love him! The differences in how we see life in a spiritual sense has added yet another thing we don’t have in common. He works retail full time and I am a full time stay at home mom to an immune sensitive toddler and 2 pre-teens. I  cant’ get out much because of  squirtnik number three and her germ weakness. I don’t fit in with my siblings, I don’t have many friends to speak of, (especially after leaving church). Even though I have a spouse and children, I feel really frickin lonely most of the time. How do I deal with it? Not very well sometimes. The people here are really, for all intensive purposes, the majority of any healthy, fulfilling social interaction (with adults) that I have. No, it’s not a replacement for face to face, mutually caring friendships. The internet won’t every be the same as flesh and blood companionship. Of course, I still really hope that someday, at least ONE person comes along that becomes that kindred spirit I keep longing for. And of course, I recognize that my situation is very different from yours. I know it might not seem like I could be lonely with three kids and a man..but I really am, because there isn’t anyone present in my life who is fully sharing my life, heart, goals, dreams and so on…and that can make a crowded room the loneliest place on earth.

I think I’ve resolved myself to realizing that I don’t know if that depth of friendship will ever happen for me, but I have simultaneously realized that I haven’t ever liked ME, and so I’m working on that right now. I kind of figure that at some point, if I become “friends with myself”, that’s at least a step in a positive direction.

I’m sorry this is so long…my brain spins a million miles a minute it seems, and I struggle to condense my thoughts. For what it’s worth, I really, truly want YOU to be happy! I know we don’t know each other, but I am sincerely hoping for amazing and positive things to happen in YOUR life.

 

• This reply was modified 1 year, 12 months ago by  moxierocks.

[SavageSotoParticipant]

Thanks guys. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one that struggles with loneliness.

I have thought about counseling, Im not sure what my options are exactly with that but I might check into.

Interest groups are pretty limited here from what I can tell but I will also look into it.

Moxie, its also interesting that you say that you “havent ever liked ME” because that’s EXACTLY what ive realized especially as of late…I have a real hard time liking myself sometimes. I’ve always been super conscious of even the simplest mistakes of mine that its hard not to beat myself up emotionally, I can be harder on myself than others…I guess that’s just always been one of the issues I havent realized about myself until about the last couple months.

I went meditating by the beach for a long time tonight and afterwards I reminded myself that I really need to love me for me and not try and hide that person regardless of how people (including my family) may react. Of course, I have things to improve on and I’m going to work to do that but I have to accept not only my human-ness but also who I’ve become and not be ashamed of that.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  SavageSoto.

[R2Participant]

Hey Savage!  I can relate to your struggle on several levels, and I can say there is hope!  It does take some work, and can get uncomfortable, but it’s worth it. (I am hard-wired as a strong  Introvert. Was always shy, and interactions face-to-face with people can tire me out physically, especially people that talk a lot or loudly and don’t leave any room for pauses or silence.  I would get physically ill if I had to give a presentation of any kind.)

Here are some resources that helped me greatly.

– Have you taken any of the personality tests (like the ones David has available here on the site?).  That will at least help you understand “ME” a bit better and take some of the pressure off once you discover how you are wired.

Here’s another online version:  http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes1.htm

– There is a book/method called StrengthsFinder 2.0 that also offers action plans customized to your results. It is very different from the other types of tests, and is very positive-action focused.   http://www.strengthsfinder.com/home.aspx

– I was desperate at one point.  I had to give a lot of presentations in front of customers and coworkers when I started a job in my early 20’s, and I hated it. I was horrible, not because of the subject matter, so I took the Dale Carnegie course. It was a real stretch for me because those guys are just soooo extroverted and energetic sometimes I wanted to punch one, but it actually helped me a good deal.  http://www.dalecarnegie.com/

As far as love and marriage, just be open and don’t push it, especially when you meet someone you take a likin’ to.   I would also not worry about overthinking “compatibility.”  My wife is an extrovert with a short attention span, and can’t sit still long – she always has to be doing something.  I am, as I said, an introvert and I can sit in a quiet room and stare at a wall and keep myself thoroughy occupied for hours.  We both have had to learn to adjust. We have been married 26 years, and she hasn’t killed me in my sleep yet for some reason.

One of my favorite writers is G.K. Chesterton, and one of my favorite quotes that I always keep in mind- “I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, as such, are incompatible.”

[katiepearlParticipant]

SavageSoto, do you tend to be introverted?  You are who you are, and there’s nothing at all wrong with that.  It can take longer to make friends, but there are people out there you can make relationships with and you will find them.

[RichardParticipant]

I often ask myself what I want to put my energy into.  My litmus test is that if no one is dying I think I can lighten up a whole lot.  Most of our energy is placed into things that are preferences.

Everyone goes through a lonely stage.  This is largely a result of perception and self centeredness.  You can go to almost any party and no matter how well put together a person appears, most people in the room feel awkward.

Being hyper-vigilant over what I am doing each moment is going to make me operate out of fear and self judgement.  At some point each person has to accept who they are and put their energy into people who appreciate who they are.

Due to the fact that most people are self centered makes it much more likely that everyone is going to feel lonely.  There are no super people out there loving everybody.  There are people who try, but they get burnt out pretty quickly.

Community allows us to receive a little of what we need from many different people.  And for the most part each person learns how to carry their own load.  And when you learn that the load you’re carrying is often largely made up by yourself, you can lighten it quite a bit.

Even though I am married, my wife and I continue to still be complete persons on our own.  We have learned that we can be with each other where our interests cross.  That way our relationship is honest and we don’t interact out of obligation for the most part.

When we first got married we both were far more self-centered and that was the source of most of our conflicts.  We both imagined that we married a different person than we got.  And through the years, by accepting each other as we are, we have each gained a large part of ourselves and much more freedom.

I don’t want to come across as insensitive because I know that loneliness can be extremely painful.  The truth sets people free and the truth is loneliness is fueled by fear and self-centeredness.

The healthy alternative is informed self-interest.  And as David has alluded to, counseling can help you learn how to be in the world with informed self-interest.  The more you awaken your authentic self, the more you will connect with the world around you.

I found out that when I looked at my fears, 99.9% weren’t life threatening and yet I was putting energy into them as if they were.  When I looked at the worst that could happen if I took a risk, it wasn’t really all that different than was already happening because I was afraid.

When I finally saw this from my journal I broke out laughing at myself.  I thought to myself in playful voice, “What an idiot!”  From that point on I was self possessed.  I realized that I would never let another define who I was.

Each person is different in how they come to this point, but I would encourage you to just keep showing up and know that you will figure it out eventually.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

I like what you said Richard: “I don’t want to come across as insensitive because I know that loneliness can be extremely painful.  The truth sets people free and the truth is loneliness is fueled by fear and self-centeredness.” Lisa and I were talking this morning about our loneliness, and it sounds like you and your wife’s journey is similar to ours. After talking about it at length, we realized that a lot of the pain we were feeling was grief… the grief of the loss of relationships we’ve suffered over the past couple of years since leaving the church. We realize that much of our peace and happiness will come from our own contentment with ourselves. We heard it said recently that the only cure for loneliness is solitude.

[Anonymous]

Hi Savage, I’m Kathy/Roseyaire. I sure relate to all things lonely/isolated/bullying/black sheep, and I  understand your feeling of being a ‘social mess.’ I don’t know, to me you just sound like a kind, highly sensitive person. When I think of ‘social mess’ I guess I think of people who are purposely cruel, insensitive, sexually irresponsible, careless with other people’s emotions, etc. For the past 13.5 years I have been married to a highly introverted man. This is my second marriage, the first one being a disaster. I was 31 when I married, DH was 40, it was his first marriage and really first relationship.  While it is not my place to tell DH’s story, I guess I’m just sharing that true love is possible later in life, even if you’ve never had it before. The things he felt would keep him from having a relationship, I cherish. When asked by a counselor a long time ago why I loved him my answer was “He’s so RELIABLE.”  I know it doesn’t sound sexy, but to me, given my background, it is. He is an adult, kind, sensitive, benevolent, a great listener, an introverted geeky genius. I love our calm, serene, trustworthy, pretty predictable relationship. It suits me. It suits him. I don’t think he talked a lot about himself b/c maybe he thought no one would care or find it interesting. But I do, I really do. We have a ton, I mean an eerily odd amount, of stuff in common. Like Moxie, I don’t want to make this response about me or my relationship, I’m just sharing it for ‘hope reasons,’ if that makes sense. Someday you will meet someone smart and perceptive enough to love you for who and what you are. Until that day, give yourself permission to be that person for yourself. Calm self-assurance makes for a good and peaceful life, and is, by the way, a powerful turn-on.

[StarryNightParticipant]

Hey Savage,

Look what you just created here! It must have taken some moxie to open up, be vulnerable, and share your heart. This is what it takes to create, Savage, and you are doing it. It doesn’t always work the way we want, but it is certainly the right seed to plant. Thank you for being real here with us.

And thank you for serving in the military. Not all of us get the opportunity to invest in our country the way that you are. I appreciate you and your service.

I have a friend who is a military chaplain. He was just home and we had a good time interacting with each other. I’m wondering if your base chaplain could be a good resource for you.

How long will you be in the service? Do you have a career path there or is this a temporary position?

Chad

[SavageSotoParticipant]

Hey Chad,

I may talk to the chaplain, I actually had to interview him not to long ago (I do local radio news). Im signed up for 5, which I just finished my first year so I have 4 more to go. I have no intention of staying in though, because there are other things I want to do eventually and I actually quite miss the civillian life, lol.

[Anonymous]

Hey Savage,

Have you ever considered becoming a Ham Radio Operator? That’s a safe and fun way to “meet” people on the air. You can find a local Amateur Radio group to hang out with and/or talk to people on the air. You can talk as much or as little as you want, but it is really exciting to talk to people all over the U.S. and in other countries.

I live in So. Calif. and recently talked to some people in the U.K./Wales, Ireland, Phillipines, and Norway. Don’t know if you could do that hobby on base or not, but maybe when you get out of the service. I used to broadcast with ham radio equipment about 15 years ago and just recently got back into it. Now (with free software called Echolink), I am broadcasting using a computer and a microphone.  Some people even use Echolink with their iPhones.  Unbelievable that you can talk to anyone in the world on your iPhone!

It’s just a thought. I know it doesn’t meet your need for a developing a close, meaningful relationship, but it would keep you from being lonely in the meantime, and who knows who you might meet in the process? It’s not just a hobby for guys, there are female hams out there too (like me).

 

[Author]

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