This topic contains 39 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by 
-
Posts
-
AnonymousLol- @adam-julians it is not the words, so much as what those phrases represent And the ideologies behind using them. Awesome Lewis quote BTW.
Anonymous@John – well there are cultural and experiential differences at TLS which will mean different thigns for different people – so I’m going to bow out from that. I don’t know enought about the N American culture to know what effect using word like “boundary” would have in terms of wht it represents for you. But here in the UK there would be no issue with the use of the word. I’ve learnt omethign similar from my expereince in TLS abuot the word “complimentary”. Well, I can forgive you for taking offense *wink*
Glad you liked the quote :).
Anonymous@Adam-Julians I felt the same way about this stuff when I was a pastor. This is not a TLS thing. People are tired of being told how they feel and how they should react and how someone else thinks they should behave appropriately when they have not walked in their shoes. A good starter-book on the subject is “I’m Okay – You’re Not” by John Shore. You are not going to convince me that I am being oversensitive or making you walk on egg-shells. And I did not take offense to your words, I just explained to you my feelings about the words and phrases and intentions of your statements. I am not mad, offended or upset. “wink”
Anonymous@SanG – I hope you do share more on the subject and ask your questions.
I love what Syl said, “this is a gift.” This resonates with me deeply. And I love this: “Are these people’s lives better and richer for this experience?
Has harm been done to anyone – did this create any downside in the existing marriages – or perhaps, on the flip side, provide a perspective that makes the relationships with the spouses more valued?
Love can’t be turned on and off. It is what it is. I also think it’s a rare find – at least that’s been my experience and observation. I would say to simply enjoy knowing that such a thing has graced one’s life and allow that knowledge to enrich one’s heart and all other loving relationships.”
John your story reminds me of a good movie to savor. The angst of it! So much of life is like this.
SanG, I would welcome to hear more of your story.
AnonymousThanks @Starfielder! So true about angst…
Yes but it sounds like a french film… just sayin.
Anonymouslol
Anonymous@john You wrote “People are tired of being told how they feel and how they should react”. Yeah so you will understand my profanity earlier then. It was a light hearted way of getting that same point you express. across. I respectfully disagree with your assertion abouth this not being a TLS thing. In this spirit of unity in diversity that David advocates, we will rub each other up the wrong way form time to time because of our differences in culture and in other ways without intention to do so. Doesn’t necessarilty mean one person is right and one person is wrong, but there is a difference. And that’s OK. I can see that some of the terms I used were difficult for you. I con’t have been aware of that difficlty before, but now that I am aware of that and have learn form that, then I can adjust how I come across for your benefit in the future. I would ask for similar consideration and respect your freedom to choose what you do and expereince the consequeces of your choices.
Are we good now?
When I wrote I am kidding kind of was like, you, using humour. You laughed at me for the suggetion of the guy with oledr women and for me saying fuck it.If you are open to being laughed at too I’m fine with that in a light hearted spirit of banter and enjoy this kind of thing wiht my freinds.*smile*
And in that spirit of banter mr ex-pastor I’m sure the adivise you want to give out contained in the book you suggest would be useful to one of your ex-congregation *wink*
No hard fellings – we are all freinds here. Peace.
AnonymousBy the way – just for clarification – I have never been nor do i ever intend to be the pastor of a church!
Anonymous@Adam-Julians yes the book was great for my little community, we loved it and many others, but I was recommending it to you sir. Only so that you might have a better understanding of my point of view. Absolutely NO HARD FEELINGS! And yes, I will be your friend. And I would never accuse you of wanting to be a pastor.
Anonymous@John thank you sir.
I’ve been trying for a few days to figure out how to tell this story. I actually started putting thoughts down before John started this thread, because I was thinking of asking about it. So here goes.
About 7 yeas ago we went through some issues with extended family that my husband became completely obsessed with. It was all he could think and talk about, and analyzing it ad infinitum was what ruled his days, and by extension (and unwillingly), mine. So when I disagreed with him on some of his claims, he turned against me, lumping me in with the “offenders”. In short, he became emotionally abusive, making unfair accusations, not accepting anything I had to say on the matter, and never, NEVER letting it go day after day, month after month for at least three years.
He agrees now that it was a temporary insanity of sorts, and he was off balance, and he is sorry for at least some of what he said and did.
During that time I completely and totally shut down toward him, and wanted nothing more than to get away from the relationship. Numb, totally cold, no feelings of affection, only had sex because I couldn’t do it with anyone else. You get the picture.
But we have a big family, and young kids, and he does love me and wants to make it work. I have felt I have no choice, and that the most loving thing for all involved is to keep it together and make it work.
But I don’t know how to wake up to this man. And in truth, I’m not sure I have the desire to. I have not fallen in love with another man, but I have longed desperately for something different. That might just be freedom, or it might be a happier, ENJOYABLE relationship.
He’s not horrible. He was, but it has gotten better. Things are amiable now, and some affection is returning. But I am not “in love”. I want something that I feel, and that flows, not something I have to decide to make happen. And I don’t know if I’ll ever get to experience that again, which grieves me at times.
Is it possible to really heal a situation like this? Is it possible to be “in love” after the near (and desired) destruction of a marriage? How do you even start to repair if the heartfelt desire isn’t there to renew with this person? And the situation that set all of this off in the first place is still unresolved and will have to be dealt with, and I have to wonder what that will do to us.
I guess I know what I have to do, yet it leaves me feeling so hopeless sometimes.
And…I feel guilty. Like I shouldn’t be struggling with this anymore and should just settle in and be grateful for what we do have.
But if I’m honest, I still am struggling.
Wow SanG thank you for your honesty! Wow thank you for telling us your story. This is a story that would be hard to carry all alone. I’m glad we can share in your journey.
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.