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Anonymous@SanG obviously the story before would suggest you need to have an affair. Okay, just kidding.
The interesting thing about relationships that I have found is that no two are the same. This is one of the things that bugs me about blanket statements made by folks like the Christian marriage and family life “experts.” They would say something like, “SanJ, if you simply submit your will to God in all things, he will bless your marriage and give you a new love for your husband.” I say, BS. Really folks, how about some real advice about marriage?Anyway. I prefaced with that because really no one can tell you one way or another about this. I think anyone who has been married for awhile (going on 27 years here) can tell you that the kind of love they have for their spouse at this point is nothing like when they first met and got married. Nor is it anything like being “in-love”, which is truly a chemical reaction that you cannot make happen even if you try. In your case you have been hurt by your spouse and I think that sometimes it’s hard to let that stuff go. I don’t blame you if you do harbor some grievances in this case. If I were you I would have felt betrayed and probably pretty sad about what happened. My wife has had to forgive me for a lot in life unfortunately. I have treated her pretty poorly at times. She somehow is able to look past it all and love me, but there was this one time,back in 1991. 1991 was a crappy year.
She hated me. Not just didn’t love me anymore, but absolutely loathed me and did not want anything to do with me. I was pretty shitty in the 90s, so I can see why, but somehow, after time went by and our kids got older, and I grew up a little bit myself, and circumstances in our life didn’t suck so bad she liked me a little more (1995), then a year or two later she loved me again (1997). We are just like that, everyone of us. There is not one married person I know that has not said “Why the hell did I do this again?” See, I told you I hate blanket statements about marriages in the beginning and there I go making those kinds of state,ments. I am such a hypocrite. No wonder why my wife hates me sometimes.
I think you may be going through a desert in your marriage, but i could be wrong. I guess what I am trying to say is it’s not always going to be this way. And there is always therapy – man therapy did us some good that is for sure. Try to imagine that your view of your husband right now is sort of like a “keyhole” view. You look at him and all you see is the present (and maybe the terrible past) and it’s easy to focus on THAT and say “this is how he is always going to be.” But the truth is NO ONE is like that. There is a whole room you can’t see through that keyhole, a whole future if you will. He is going to change. We all do. You have a little input on how he changes over the years. I know that my wife will tell you that I am trained well. Truthfully, she knows that I changed because I wanted to make her happy and learned how. I only learned because she told me how. I am still working on that by the way.
Don’t get me wrong though, like I said in the beginning all relationships are different and I really can only tell you my experiences and hope for the best for you. Which I do. Whatever that best might be, even if it is you move on one day having grown tired of waiting for things to change.
Thank you @starfielder, for your words. I have written pages and pages in my journaling about this, yet really shared it with no one, so it is freeing to have someone else know about it.
@John, oh yes. It took me a while to realize what a vulnerable, precarious place I was in, longing for anyone to notice and appreciate me. But I swear I think sometimes I am invisible.
And yes, I’ve had enough of the “Christian” way of handling things. No more mindless submission. Husband has suggested we seek some counseling together, and my one request was absolutely no Christian. I do not want to hear a single Bible verse telling me what to do.
I have to think that I most likely can learn to love him again, and actually be happy with him. But even thinking that makes me feel like crying, because it means I will never get to experience anything different. And I suppose that won’t matter when that day comes. But right now it does matter.
We will be 25 years next month, and for now I have to just take it a little at at time. Do the right thing right now, and see what the future holds.
Thanks for the words of encouragement.
Anonymous@SanG ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((SanG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) That is my biggesst and bestest hug.
Can i just say – and I’m doing this with senseitivity – i hope this to be a comfort and encouragement to keep going. I hear what you say about not being in love and I’m sure your not having the feeling of being in love right now. But John is right. The fact that you are willing to be so devoted to your husband to keep going in spite of the sufferting and emptiness you feel right now shows that you are being loving to him. This isn’t nice warm fuzzy feeling in love bting in love that we all like. This is the tough stuff!
Doesn’t every marriage have times of it being tough?That is not a rhetorical quetsion but an enquiring one.
Hange in there – you are being strong. What I have learnt in difficlt times with the people closest to me is to give them room to go through their “Stuff”. Some have come through and handled it healthilty which has meant we can have a close relationship. Others either still have thier stuff to go through and eithe have so much to deal with that there are not available to me in a way i woudl like or throught thier choices are not available to me.
Can I ask how it is that you are relating to him in this – is the difficulty all down to him or are there thigns you could be doing? Do you resent not feleing in love and take that resentment out on him, buliding a wall with anger for example?
My mum was angry after my dad’s death. So i didn’t get what I wanted which would have been for us to be supporting each other in our grieving for him. I had to put my greiving on hold while I attended to the emotional needs of my mother. Because I did that and then suggested she see a doctor, she did go and see a doctor. Wheras if I had got angry back with her, she would have put up a wall and not listend to my suggestion of seeing a doctor. She got prescribed antidepressants and got counselling. That then freed up concern for me about her well being, given that she was being taken care of by professionals and then gave me emotional room to greive my father’s death. Her and i have a good relationship now but it was a rocky ride for a long time both after my dad’s death and for a number of years before with his slow decline in health.
@Adam-Julians, thank you.
I can’t honestly say that I’ve kept going because of being devoted to my husband, but to my kids and their well-being, yes.
Yes, all marriages have tough times, and we have had plenty before now. But they always happened during those years entrenched in the church, and the thought of leaving was never even considered. It wasn’t allowed. But this time, the worst to date, happened when I was on my way out of religious thinking, so I felt like “screw this! I don’t have to take this anymore!” But then I realized that yes I did, because even though I was no longer worried about making God angry, or obeying the church rules, I still had to love, and love required that I try to stick with it.
And yes, I agree we must give space to others to work through their stuff. And I have come to understand that people who have been hurt are more likely to turn around and cause others hurt. He was hurt, and while I didn’t understand it all (and thought he blew it out of proportion), I have had to accept that he was wounded, and that caused him to lash out at me. It was never his intent to drive me away.
How am I relating? I will not deny I have pinned most of the blame for this on him. But I know I did become very cold and unforgiving toward him, and have undoubtedly had a very bad attitude at times. And resentment, yeah it’s there.
Anonymous@SanG Surprise – you’re human.
I wanted to also acknowledge your mourning about not having anything else. Not falling in-love again or finding something or someone new. I sometimes wonder if God really made us to be married. I mean, if so, why is it that even in the midst of the best parts of our relationships we are still aware and even anxious about others that attract us? And no, I will not accept that we are just “selfish sinners who can never be satisfied.” I think it is just a quality of being human that we look. We notice. We desire and we long for something different, someone different. I have realized in my old age that being in-love is amazing, and it is passionate and desperate and beautiful and gives people a reason to wake up in the morning. I am convinced that this is part of our human DNA, that allows our species to survive and thrive. It has always been there. But it has an expiration date. Being in-love generally lasts about 2 years on a good run, then you begin to hit the wall of reality with the person you care about. You see their flaws, you suddenly notice that one tooth that is darker than the others. You realize that they never stop moving and could not stand still to save their lives, you begin to hate the way they drive (so aggressively), you begin to ask them not to do that thing in bed that they love, but you think is weird. lol. Reality sets in and you either begin to accept them for who they are with all their flaws, or you distance yourself from them and move on. All relationships are like this. So why would I want to start over with someone else just for a couple of years of bliss and then back to business as usual? This is how I have thought about it in the past. Does it mean that I no longer look elsewhere occasionally, or wonder what it would be like with her, or her? Hell no. I am human. I am sure that my wife does the same thing. Especially when I am whistling loudly some annoying song in my head that makes no sense to anyone else… John, something you said here caught my attention… ” I mean, if so, why is it that even in the midst of the best parts of our relationships we are still aware and even anxious about others that attract us?”
I’m thinking about this statement. I have been aware but if I’m honest, it was never in the best parts that I was aware of attraction, and it has never made me anxious…hmmmm
I am really happy someone is willing to question and not deny the reality of how the human heart ticks like the church does. I could write volumes but just had to throw in my two cents- I think I got caught up in the hypnotic worship based cult of my choice because I bought into the idea that my marriage was screwed up because I expected my husband to fill (trigger alert) that God shaped hole in all of us. Well I fell in love with Jesus and it didn’t make my marriage better. And our church had a horrible a divorce and adultery and generally unhappiness rate. All more or less blamed on society and women working and so on. So I call complete BS on the notion that God fulfills all our love needs. Our relationship is getting better a year after leaving church. Especially when we let go of the traditional role crap that never fit. It isn’t perfect but it works. And my one cataclysmic love died so I fantasize about a love like that again but if honest, we were nearing that 2 year mark so never got to the tough stuff. So I appreciate a lot of las long lasting, less intense love. I also agree that we change so much every 10 years that I wish society wasn’t built on the Cleaver idealism.
Anonymous@SanG Glad to have been of help.
I’m going to use a word here that I know John hates so forgive me John. But boundaries.
I’m hearing the resentment you talk of. I know what it is like to give and give and not get similar in return, at least from my perspective which is subjective and may be right or wrong. The way I have thougth about this and how things have been more helpful for me now is in considering boundaries. Sure I would have loved closeness but in me looking for that in someone else and moving towards that myself, what Ihave done wiht people is to make things more difficult between us, either because I have not been in a place where such closeness is healthey for me and others because of my own issues that I needed to work through first to get to a point of it being healthy. (I once started going out wiht someone too soon after a break up with someone else without giving it enough time to heal – I was on the rebound). Or the other person has not been in a place for it being healthy for us to be close either throught their own choices or thier own issues.
Sometimes – when we doing receive the love our hearsts desire from others, it seems to men that the only thing we can do it learn to love outselves. What do we do is we love ourselsves, wwe have compassion on ourselves, we are genntel to ourselves. When we know we have done wrong, we fogive ourselves, we discipline outselves as a loving parent does to s child because they want the best for the child. We have boundaries with others – we guard our hearts and our tongues. We take courage and risks wisely we – look before we leap and we strike while the iron is hot.
When you say “tought of leaving” was it the church you were thinking of leaving or your husband?
Man, it sounds really tough what you are going through. And it must be taking a lot of strength for you to keep going. I hear what you say about him lashing out, being wounded and not intending to drive you away. I wonder – does he feel bad about that? Is he taking ownership for what he is doing? And in that case would he accept boundaries with him – that you ser boundaries for your own well being while he is being like that?
I would want to give you some hope – that with what you talk about the bad attitude and unforgiving and pinning most of the blame onto him. I am glad to hear you are responsible enough to admit contribution to difficulty. The anger, unforgiving, badd attitude etc will mean that for him, you are not healthy – you do get that right? Two worungs dnot make a right? I’m not rubbishing how you feel and it is important to ackowleges the feelings not ignore them. Feelings tell us something is wrong. But what do you do with the anger – do you put up walls with him so that it is impossible for love to be there? Same with unforgiveness and the attitude? My hope and prayer for you would be that you would keep yourself healthy yes ackowlege the anger but channel the anger to set and mantian healthy boundaries rathe than walls. By health boundarieds I mean guarding you heart – keeping it precous, nurturing it being compassionate to yourself heling it where it has been hurt etc. And keeping it protected. And with how you engage with him – treating himm with digniy whether or not what he is doing is loving or hurtful to you. It is possible to keep your head high and be proud of yourself for how you have handled difficult situations having a healthy attitude to what is going on – building stength and confidence in yourself without being overbearing.
Can I recommend a book to you – it is called “Boundaries” by Coud and Townsennd.
Hand in there and keep your chin up – think about how you might engage with things and work hard at it – whatever the outcome of what happens wiht you and your husband, things can get better for you if you do the right things to achieve that – i am sure of it! You have been strong enought to keep going and wise enough and brave enought to talk about it and look for input fomr others, risking being vulnerable here. I have honoured that in whit I have written. (((((((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))))))))).
In your “old age” John? Ha. Yeah, I don’t think our deep feeling love lasted near 2 years, but then we had a baby ten months after we were married. We had some good and warm times over the years, though.
Adam-Julians, when I spoke of leaving (or leaving not being an option) I was referring to the marriage. Does he feel bad about how he treated me? Yes and no. He feels somewhat justified in his reaction. Some of it he has no memory of saying or doing. And some he still feels he was right, maybe he just didn’t handle his reaction properly or use the right words.
I get what you are saying about boundaries. And I think we have both learned through this how to communicate better, and what to simply avoid. We’ve learned a lot. And I think we have that book somewhere.
Thanks again for your words of encouragement.
Anonymous@CrystalC2012 Thanks! Yes, of course. We question everything here and believe nothing. lol
@Adam-Julians and @SanG you two need to burn that book – just sayin… I am proposing a new boundary of “don’t read Boundaries.” Adam if you want this friendship to last I need you to honor my boundary here, this boundary was put in place not to drive us apart, but to bring us closer.
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