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The following was written this morning on Facebook to whoever would read it. Anyone who has me friend-ed there (David) has probably seen all of the bitstrip ranting an stuff I’ve done over nearly the past week. something happened in my life that just caused me to snap.
I wrote a bitstrip comic about some of it here: ( http://www.moonwrath.com/host/idontgetpeople.pdf ) and then last night, I just…
I just cooked. I had been simmering and fuming and burning for days, but I decided something. It seems overly aggressive, but right now it’s exactly what I mean.
I wrote the following this morning, spelling it out for everyone:————————————————————————————————————–
Recently, a part of me experienced more rage than I can ever remember feeling in my life. I realized it was because part of me had simply had enough. It was tired of attack after attack by others in my home, in my school, on my job, in my life, period. It was tired of being ignored by me and stepped on by others.It was my heart of hearts.
I am not the most stable person in the world, but I am also not gullible, not a child, not a whiner, nor self important, nor anything else I’ve been accused of while being beaten down over the years.
No, I don’t need to “grow a pair” just because I’m nervous or sad about something. I’m a person with some insecurity! It’s normal. Get over it and tear down your walls for a change instead of telling me to build mine up.
I hate walls. I will not carry a “big stick”. I hate callousness. This is me. It has always been me, and it’s not changing, even while I love myself more. So I will love it just like I have ever loved anyone else in my life. If you know me at all, then you know that is a hell of a lot.I wrote this fully intending to post it everywhere.
Enemies and scoffers, take note:This is a new day, and you and your attacks are not invited.
I am not the person I was 5 days ago. This is the end.And the beginning.
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From now on
I trust me more than I trust you.I will take my own advice before I take yours.
I will listen to my gut before I listen to your explanation.
I will walk my own path before I follow your trail.
I will reject your criticism and your guidance:
Your advice is not for me. Your advice is for yourself.
Your criticisms are not for me. Your criticisms are for what you believe about
me.I–like anyone– deserve to be acknowledged for who I am and what I stand for. I am not a toy, a decoration, a punching bag, an entertainer, a scapegoat, a demon, a tool, a means to an end, nor any other manner of things that is not an equal human being.
I am who I am for a reason, and my views are just as valid as anything you could
ever have to say.I’ve been forcefully conditioned from birth and by everyone around me never to trust
myself because others “know better than me”.This is a lie, and it has been reinforced by everyone I know except a precious, kindly few.
None of you have ever known me any other way.
That ends now. The person I am from now on is an entirely different animal:
I reject those who reject others based on human error or vulnerability.
I accept those who accept others based on their shared humanity.I reject those who claim vengeance on the world for their pain.
I accept those who climb over their darkness to understand others in their imperfections.I reject those who “grew up” and learned to put their foot on the toes of their neighbors.
I accept those who strive to make peace as much as possible and within their limits.I reject those who label themselves all manner of unkind things for the sake of claiming power and boosting their own egos.
I accept those who encourage kindness and seek openness.I reject those who will not accept tokens of remorse from the honest and sincere.
I accept those who understand that respect can be given at any time, in a heartfelt way.I reject those who –through their actions or words– claim to be more or better than others.
I accept those who recognize their own flaws in the face of the flaws of others.I reject those who seek to break the emotions or minds of others for any reason.
I accept those who seek to build and reinforce the health of others.I reject those who mock, scoff, bully, deride, and otherwise tear others down verbally or with their actions.
I accept those who love and show compassion as much as they are able, to those in their presence and those who are not.I love who I am, and I was born this way to BE this way.
You will never change that without my permission.Like anyone here, I am alive and deserve to be on the basis that I was born.
I seek to maintain and strengthen the heart I was given at birth.
I am a survivor of tragedy, mockery, attack, early death, hatred, abandonment, trickery, starvation, disease, and circumstance; I survived these as they were levied regularly against my mind, heart, body, and spirit.I am truly myself.
Are you?
“”I’ve been forcefully conditioned from birth and by everyone around me never to trust myself because others “know better than me”. This is a lie, and it has been reinforced by everyone I know except a precious, kindly few.””
Hi Ren, I am thankful for the “precious, kindly few”, they make it possible to carry on when it seems impossible. Peace to you.“I trust me more than I trust you”.
That stopped me in my tracks.
THAT is the core of some serious things I am wrestling with because…..
I have never been able to say that.
Thank you.
I am thankful for the “precious, kindly few”, they make it possible to carry on when it seems impossible. Peace to you.
I fully agree, Hugh. In my experience, often these people do not recognize their worth, but they are worth more than any amount of gold or diamonds…
THAT is the core of some serious things I am wrestling with because…..
I have never been able to say that.McBeth, I am often told that I say things that others find it difficult to say, so your comment stuck with me, as well..
Right now, I am hoping that other things I find the courage to say will continue to help out. My rants are often all I have, so I’m happy they are doing good instead of simply being negative-sounding… *HUGS* I was afraid it would sound alienating… but it’s true.. we must trust ourselves, and that is something that we must hold on to, no matter who says we should not.
Thank you also!
AnonymousWell said, very well said. May deep peace fill your void. Not packaged peace, but your own deep meaningful peace.
@Ren – You go, girl! That isn’t a rant, it’s a personal manifesto, well put and thoughtfully presented. Print it. Save it. Reread it as needed and forward it to anyone you see struggling with – or against – the same constrictions you’ve lived with. What you have is a blueprint for a healthy, open, mature human being. So glad you’re here.
good signs of good health!
Well spoken! I love this.
Anonymouskeep on rockin in the free world
@Ren this is beautiful! I’m kind of in shock at the moment, because I feel that you have put into powerful, eloquent words the very things that have been boiling inside of me..all jumbled up…I know this is YOUR manifesto..but I am simply buzzing with the resonating. Stunning!
I just read it again..There is nothing in it at all that couldn’t be myself speaking! I can’t hold back the tears…
So did you read Wayne’s “Purge” and the the youtube? You can read and watch it here: http://www.thelastingsupper.com/topic/purge/
Sounds like you’re doing some great thinking and great work! How’s it going now?
Brene Brown posted this on her site today:
” . . . and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer, because there’s something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit.” – Shane Koyczan
Anonymous@Ren – nicely done!
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