This topic contains 39 replies, has 14 voices, and was last updated by 
Gary 1 year, 7 months ago.
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Thank you to all who have opened up on this posting. I read it all tonight and just as I was thinking something it would get addressed a few posts later
Jo–sorry I missed this yesterday. The Q stands for either queer or questioning (depends who you ask). The I is for intersexed.
@Gary What an incredible story you have. It sounds like you’ve found something really wonderful.
It’s too bad that oppressive religious environments often prevent people from figuring out some of the things we’ve been talking about in this thread. When I was in conservative churches, I never felt the freedom to question or figure out my sexuality. When I finally freed myself from that, I did spend some time considering it, because I had always had so much trouble enjoying sex. Ultimately, I realized it was all the internalized negative messages. I consider myself straight, and not bi or even bi-curious. But it’s complicated, because for me, I’m attracted to male-identified persons. That is, it’s not the body parts or even the hormones but the male identity that matters. So I honestly don’t really know what that means.
AnonymousAmy -thanks for answering my question. Now I will need to educate myself on what “intersexed” means. Never heard of that before!
Wow. Just wow. I am so glad I brought this issue here. Thank you for all these amazing comments, all of you. And thank you especially Gary and Jo for sharing. You have very powerful stories. When my friend broke the news, she said, ‘x and I are in a relationship’. There was no identification with any label like lesbian, bi, pan. I think what I’m trying to work through is the difference betweeen theoretical and experiential. It’s one thing to know, and then another thing to ‘really know’. And I’ve been trying to work out why this upset me or threw me. I certainly wasn’t expecting it, though with hindsight many signs were there. I probably think now that if I had been an initiator or receptive that it may have been ‘game on’ but it’s just not me. I am such an un-nuanced thinker. Meaning I just take people as they are without thinking any further than that. I don’t have the internal head talk going on ‘are they this, or are they that?’ There’s probably not much upstairs with me, is there? So back to why I was upset to hear this news, I don’t think it was because my friend has gone under the covers and not come up for air yet…. but because of the sudden withdrawal from the friendship. Like when all friends suddenly fall in love and disappear for a while there – it takes some adjusting to get used to the new relationship status. It’s just not the same as when they were single anymore. You can’t meet up for coffee as easily as you used to… etc. Perhaps that’s right. And perhaps I’ve got a bit further to go with accepting their same sex arrangement. I’m really not sure.
So again, thank you all for sharing, I’m grateful, and my eyes have been opened. Perhaps just yet I may go all Liz Taylor and snatch that Larry Fortensky I’ve been admiring from afar….
PS. Amy made a really interesting comment about being attracted to male-identified persons. I find that intriguing. I’m going to file that away in my memory somewhere and come back to it later.
PPS. And last thought (of many, but I’ll make it the last or we’ll be here all night), we are all mature adults here, but would the same advice be given to developing teenagers ? But that’s for another topic and another time).
Last thing – Jo – some links for you on intersex. I made the mistake in class recently for saying hermaphrodite instead of intersex. Not sure if the google docs one will work for you? I can send you an alternative link if it doesn’t. Now to read them myself… Cheers
http://intersexroadshow.blogspot.com.au/2011/04/intersex-genitalia-illustrated-and.html
http://intersex.me/page/33
http://www.bodieslikeours.org/forums/archive/index.php/t-668.html
http://www.facebook.com/events/227166543964460/http://jama.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=189138
http://www.starobserver.com.au/news/2011/06/07/rift-emerges-between-minority-groups/53960
AnonymousI loved reading all these comments. You guys are all so open and honest here. I have often thought about same gender relationships. I mean I think it could be so wonderful in the aspect of ,only another man or woman can really know where another man or woman is coming from. To me women get where another woman is coming from and allows a certain level intimacy which you might not get with an opposite gender partner, and I think it could possibly be true for guys to. I think if I had an opportunity to be involved in a same gender relationship I would let it happen naturally. I believe deep down I am bi-sexual. I am married to a wonderful man and wouldn’t change that for anything. I just think that sometimes we make too much about some things, like how many of us even think to remark about our straight friends straightness,so why do we even remark about our gay friends gayness. Also I prefer to say same gender rather than same sex. It just makes more sense and sounds more loving. Anyway just want to say this is the bestest group of people EVER. love ya
Kathi – ja, same gender rather than same sex. I’m still learning as you can see.
I went for coffee with my friend yesterday, it was difficult and I wanted to back out. Her new partner came also, and it’s coming to terms that it will always be ‘the two of them’ now with any social catch-ups. I think I’m a hypocrite as I always bring my dogs to any outdoor cafe we catch up at, but it’s sort of not the same thing. I’m still trying to work out if perhaps I am more conservative than I realise, or if I’m miffed at being replaced as a friend, or if I think they’re just being selfish. They regaled me with their sleeping arrangements which I kinda didn’t need to know and I thought was insensitive in front of their foster child. They were joking about the reaction of her older teenage child. It was probably done to put me back in my conservative box, or whatever. Still working through this, as you can see. Often, though we don’t say anything at all, our values, opinions and judgements can still be apparent. So I continue to mull and ponder…
@Helene, I would suspect discussing their relationship openly is kind of awkward for them as well. This might explain some of the odd turns in your conversation. I know with regards to my own non-standard relationship (whatever the hell that means…lol) there are very few people I can talk openly about it with. I think sometimes we crave that openness so much that it leads us into uncharted territory when we have someone to actually be honest with. Hopefully your friendship will get past that awkward stage and feel more natural to you both as time moves on.
Hmm, not sure what is meant by ‘odd turns’. I think this medium can also be difficult in which to communicate and get a point across clearly when all the information is not available. If you knew what my friend looked like, or her previous non-standard relationships (which I haven’t detailed) there may be a different take on awkwardness. I’m only operating on what she has told me first-hand re: the past which I’ve been mostly shielded from I believe, but I have heard ‘second-hand’ more information (which I didn’t seek out, it was blabbed). She is anything but awkward or uncomfortable and I don’t think it’s unchartered territory at all. That’s why it came as a surprise to me, when really, it shouldn’t have. My head is in the clouds and all that. The only awkward one is me, sigh, and I agree Gary, “Hopefully your friendship will get past that awkward stage and feel more natural to you both as time moves on”. Happy to leave this thread and try to do that. Cheers.
I was only referring to those comments that seemed to make you somewhat uncomfortable. Apologies if my comments were lacking enough contextual information to be helpful.
Take Care
Gary
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