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My name is Sandy, I’m 45 and I live in Utah.
I grew up the child of a pastor in the Grace Brethren churches, “accepted Jesus” when I was four years old, and spent most of 40 years living in a great deal of fear about displeasing God and not being “in his will”.
One of the beliefs I adopted as an 18 year old was the “Quiver Full” mentality about letting God plan your family, and as a result gave birth to 12 children in 19 years. We home schooled, lived super conservative, all that stuff.
About ten years ago my husband became very disillusioned with church and pastors and withdrew our family from “the institution”. At the time I went kicking and screaming, figuratively of course, because I also believed in submission to whatever the husband says.
We tried meeting with others, but they were always geographically too far away, and we ended up “meeting” as a family in our living room every Sunday morning, believing that someday we would find others to join in our journey.
But the last six years have been filled with chaos for me. Breakdowns in extended family relationships, mid-life wake-ups, anxiety issues, the near breakup of my marriage, the demolition of dreams and reaching the end of my rope with children and home schooling have left me questioning everything and entirely disillusioned with the God that I trusted with my life.
My husband may have first removed me from “the church”, but I’ve far surpassed him in my cynicism and anger.
He still wants to meet as a family on Sunday mornings, and I sit in on it to keep the peace, but I cannot sing the songs, I can’t even hear Bible verses and think anything positive, because I no longer believe it came from God. Those Sundays give me a chance to get some crochet done
and at least I hear what my children are being told, but I typically end up feeling the effects of anxiety before it is over.I feel angry, confused and trapped in my life, incredibly lonely, unheard, and unable to be completely honest about where I am emotionally. So here I am.
I have from a young age been a very quiet person, the one sitting off to the side of the room, listening but talking to no one unless spoken to first. I tend to be that way online too, but I long for connection with others so will try to speak up here.
Hi SanG,
Welcome. You are not alone. This is a good and safe place to post. Thanks for posting. “I feel angry, confused and trapped in my life, incredibly lonely, unheard, and unable to be completely honest about where I am emotionally. So here I am.”
I often feel the same. Welcome.
Hello Sandy!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. In the short time that I have been a member of The lasting Supper I have experienced nothing but acceptance and community.
Welcome aboard!
Peace & Much Love
David
@SanG, likewise – welcome ! I myself struggle with emotion and identity, after being trained from a Christian perspective in how I should think and act. I struggle with who the ‘real me’ is. Hey – I hope you get some great crochet projects cooking away
Best to you…Thank you for your welcomes.
Wow. powerful story @SanG… and the way you told it. We welcome you!
AnonymousSandy – Thank you so much for sharing your story! Wow! You’re handling the challenges and demands of that many children – plus a husband who doesn’t “get” how you feel – a whole lot better than I would. (I could barely handle the demands of just one child who was pretty mellow!)
I’m sorry you are feeling so unheard, trapped, and alone. That is such a difficult place to be. I don’t have any answers for you, but I can promise you that in this community you are, and will continue to be, HEARD. And you will receive acceptance, understanding, and compassion no matter what! It’s okay to be angry, cynical, disillusioned with God and the church, and confused about what you believe – that’s exactly where many of us are at too! So welcome to this unique and awesome community! Glad to have you join us!
SanG I am touched by the sincerity and willingness to express the the rawness of emotions in your story. Simply coming to a point of acknowledging the anger, the hurt, the questions, and your need for a connection must have been difficult. You have found a great place to explore the questions you are grappling with. We don’t pretend to have answers. (For me this is VERY refreshing) But I think answers given to us by others, who may not have even asked the questions, have no value anyway. One thing I can assure you is that you will find many here who walk a similar path. You are not alone! For me that has been the greatest benefit of being a member of this community.
Welcome, I am glad you are here.
AnonymousWelcome SanG. I have felt unheard and unseen and misunderstood most of my life. I also validate what others said that you will be heard here. Admittedly I am not a very artsy person and I don’t totally understand the difference between knitting and crocheting but in central IL where I live there are knitting circles and groups such as that where people, mainly women, get together and work on projects. Sometimes they meet at churches and sometimes other places like the library or someone’s home. Sometimes they do spiritual or social service type projects, like making blankets or prayer shawls for cancer patients or homeless people, or one group I read about even made those prosthetic breast thingies for women who have undergone mastectomies. I forget what they are called, you can probably google it. I just had a thought for whatever it’s worth that this might be a path to connection using your artistic skills and talents. Anyhow, good to meet you and I honor you for telling your story.
AnonymousOK I googled crochet prosthetic breast and a whole bunch of links came up but here’s one: http://www.boomerwomenspeak.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=212213. I will now cease being so bossy, lol, that was not my intention. All the best to you.
Thank you all for your kind words. It has made me smile.
Roseyaire, your idea of finding a group to join is a good one. I know I need to find something. I must say, though, I have never heard of a crochet prosthetic breast.
Interesting idea.Sandy, You’ll have to chat with us in the chatroom one of these evenings. It can be very entertaining!
AnonymousI guess I thought it was a genius idea and it really spoke to me b/c my sister had BC twice in her thirties, my mother had uterine cancer and her mother had breast cancer. So I’m the only female in my family w/o cancer. The whole vibe of women sitting together making them, women supporting women, appealed to me.
Roseyaire, I just looked at some sites as you mentioned. It is a great idea, and I agree about the women supporting each other idea.
Hi SanG
I am fairly sure that the “sitting in the corner quietly” person is probably an Introvert. I know this because I am one and I still do that. Yet when a group of Introverts get together over some common topic, you’d think they were all Extroverts! My writing group is like that.
So I will gladly welcome someone else on this journey.
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