This topic contains 55 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by 
Gary 1 year, 9 months ago.
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AnonymousI broke free from a 16 year porn addiction a few months ago and it has been freeing. However, I have been connecting with people younger than me who are struggling with the same thing. In particular, men. They have chosen to confide in me about their addiction and are still struggling.
As a woman, I can only give advice from my perspective but it doesn’t always help. I was wondering if any of you have struggled with this same addiction and what advice would *you* give someone who is?
Also, what are your views on pornography?
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This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
David Hayward.
I think a lot of the problem is that there is such a stigma associated with sex that pornography, or even sex on film or in pictures, is evil. I agree there is bad porn out there… bad for all kinds of reasons. But there is also porn that is healthy, in my opinion, and can actually be useful. Even Opra has links to such pornography sites, such as “porn for women”, that is helpful.
AnonymousExpound on ‘porn that is healthy’ and ‘useful’.
Do you watch porn?
Well, now we’re getting personal
Although you started it by being personal. Lisa and I have watched videos that have to do with sex that we’ve found very wholesome and beneficial. “Porn” sounds so nasty, doesn’t it? But there are useful things out there that can enhance your sex life. Just a thought.-
This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by David Hayward.
AnonymousWell, that’s different lol. If you’re married and watching porn TOGETHER, great! I condone that. That’s healthy. I’m just noticing more ‘one sided’ porn love affairs
I’m all for enhancing our sex life or in my case a nonexistent one lol.But that’s for another day.
So if someone wasn’t married, watching those videos are okay?
I would feel no compulsion to judge them for that. But I do agree with you that addictions can be sweeping to include pornography so that some people cannot function sexually without it. Not good.
AnonymousYes and that’s the problem. It’s an outlet or source of comfort. Bad.
AnonymousSex is a huge and twisted topic in our society. I am sad when I see our people going through their sexual development with so much negativity given to them by parents or abuse. Try not to bring the shame of others into your sex life, Jlac. I wish you liberation in your path. Our bodies are our gift of life. Peace and acceptance of your body and it’s sexual needs is crucial to joyfulness. Whatever you do stay joyful in your sexuality. All people find ways to self-comfort. You are self-comforting for a reason. Find out what that is and you can heal, change if you want and continue to grow in positive ways. Be kind to yourself. No matter what drop guilt, now. We put so much guilt on each other and ourselves in this culture. Why? Puritans? For this long? We must grow out of this shame and fear cycle in sex. I hope we can, anyway.
AnonymousMy ex used to watch porn late at night after I had gone to bed. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him, and there was no way I could compete with the women in the porn videos he was watching. I really feel strongly that if one marriage partner is watching porn, it is very painful and degrading for the other partner. And if the addiction continues, it may well lead to the demise of the marriage which ends up hurting the entire family.
The partner with the porn addiction needs to be willing to get professional help to figure out WHY they are turning to porn instead of their partner. If they both feel comfortable with watching porn and want to occasionally watch it together, perhaps that might be a different story. I don’t know. That’s all I can really contribute to this conversation.
I agree Jo.
AnonymousI think stigma is a huge part of the problem. Kathy nails it with the comfort part as well. But without the stigma I find it much easier to look at it with objective eyes and to have the ability to question my own motives. I never had a thing for porn, but I used to masturbate when I was stressed out or anxious. I wasn’t addicted, but the very few times I did it freaked the fuck out of me because of my evangelical upbringing. It made me feel super dirty.
It turned into a bad cyclical thing –masturbate-feel guilty-repent-masturbate-rinse-repeat. I had lots of friends who did the same thing. And I am told by many male friends that this happened to them as well, except that there was a much stronger pull for them when they were in the height of it. Once I didn’t think it was wrong anymore I was able to look deeper into why I was doing it, without the repulsion and fear of even looking into it deeper. Stigma perpetuates the monster in my opinion.
Thanks for your honestly girl. You rock!
A
There are some studies that suggest that regular use of porn is harmful to the male libido (impotent 26 year old-men due to the excessive liberation of dopamine, for instance). Also, it creates false expectations of what to expect during sex… For instance, many teens today are repelled by the female figure as they compare their real-life female peers to what they see in porn (balloon-type breasts vs. real breasts which fall differently; cropped pubic hair vs. normal pubic hair, etc…). The widespread use of porn (as it’s readily available on-line) is a phenomenon that sadly, distorts healthy sexual encounters. This article is good as a reference: http://goodwomenproject.com/porn/what-i-wish-id-known-before-watching-porn
That said, I’d rather watch eroticism in film over porn anytime. The porn I’ve had exposure to -out of curiosity was pretty sickening (a horrible affair called “50 +”) And if my partner were addicted to it, I think it would break my heart. But there’s nothing wrong with a healthy dose of eroticism in literature and film – in moderation and used as a responsible adult.
Regarding masturbation, there is nothing in scriptures to suggest it is sinful. Nothing. I believe it’s healthy. The problem arises with the fantasies you have while masturbating… the repetitive use of these fantasies (I have found) do not contribute to my improvement as a woman and human being. Rather the opposite the people I’ve fantasized about are merely objects used to my own satisfaction and this is what I think Christ refers to when he speaks of looking at a woman lustfully. People are not objects.
AnonymousYup, I was going to say the same about the excessive use of porn leading to impotence. But that’s really easy to cure–guys who stop watching find their erectile dysfunction resolves itself. Genuine sex/porn addiction are not that common. The church has made it into this thing where sex=bad, and anything related to sex that isn’t strict married man/woman sex is especially bad. The true definition of lust (people as objects) has been distorted to mean “don’t get aroused by anything that isn’t your own naked spouse.” Masturbation is a real no-no among most conservative Christians. Even reading books with erotic content is taboo.
I’m not entirely sure I agree about fantasy during masturbation. I think it probably depends on whether the fantasy is driven by objectifying people or not. To me, that can come across as “thought police.” Sure, if one is sexualizing an actual person, that’s not good. But if one is recalling an erotic scene in a book, that’s not the same thing. I think I also tend to disagree that releasing tension through masturbation is a bad thing. After all, my husband and I have sex to release stress, how is getting oneself off any different? It’s when a person can’t cope without it or it replaces healthy interactions with real people that it becomes a problem.
As with all things, though, if a person feels that it’s a problem (other than just feeling guilty because someone else said it was bad), then it’s a problem. If a person doesn’t feel that it’s a big deal, then it likely isn’t.
I read the “50 Shades” trilogy, hoping that the Christian website that I write pop culture reviews for would let me write a full-length book report on the best selling books. They decided it was too risky and told me no.
It was an interesting read, knowing it started from fan-fiction (off of the Twilight books) and then developed into this couple living in Seattle that was into S&M. I’ve heard the books described as “mommy porn” knowing that the romance genre seems to better fit the woman’s psyche, where the men would flip through the book wanting to know where the pictures were.
Literotica is certainly a style or type of pornography. And though I know that literotica is done with fiction writing as opposed to physical porn stars, I think the audience gets off the same way. I find it hard to judge one over the other in terms of how people relate to them. My biggest concern with the whole franchise is that the physical sex business so often gets connected with sex trafficking. It is a very real and horrible problem, even in countries like the US and Canada.
As for the sex they sell, whether it be in book or movie form, it is so unrealistic! (At least it is compared to what I’ve experienced…) Yes, our bodies cry out for release and connection, but our hearts and souls have even deeper appetites for intimacy that can never come from something that is pretend or fake.
Anyway, I brought this up because sometimes I think the better road to take on this issue is to encourage and enhance intimacy in relationships instead of going after the cheap substitutes.
Chad
@Chad Estes : Super well put, Chad. I agree wholeheartedly.
@Amy : I don’t believe masturbation is bad at all, either for stress relief or relief of arousal when one doesn’t have a spouse. A very good and insightful article on masturbation can be found here: http://ecclesia.org/truth/masturbation.html for those that are into Scripture – as I am.
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This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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