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Jon 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
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I watched an episode of West Wing. In one episode one of the characters is dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
At one point his therapist tells him, “I can’t cure you. But I can help you remember the event without reliving it.”
Yes! I think it is important to deal with our painful memories to a point where we can remember things without reliving them. And I have.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live in perpetual pain of reliving memories.
I love this distinction! “I can’t cure you…. but help you remember the event without reliving it.”
I don’t have a set of memories that I relive because of their wretchedness–but many memories in which I felt profound shame . . .and overall these memories have led to a lack of self-confidence, a deep sense of unworthiness or smallness. My family was a narcissistic family system, with women being inferior, and being treated that way was the Biblical way. It’s a hard system to kick–my therapist says it’s very comparable to being a battered woman. Just having other people read what I write is healing for me . . .thank you.
This sounds like good advice. I’d like to learn the difference.
I think “learn” is the key word.
How does one learn how to do this ~ remember without reliving?
I think it is about truly examining ourselves and what happened with brutal honesty. Maybe writing it down. I think that’s a big part of it.
That’s a good summary, David. It is self-analysis and honest understanding. But it is also a place to do so and someone who can guide you through the emotions at a pace that it safe. Therapy and counselling can take a long time. Years.
The key for me was understanding how “self centeredness” was kicking my butt. So much of Christianity is focused on overcoming sin. It teaches an immature world view that is essentially self centered even though we are taught to give god the credit, but even that is self centered because it’s all about me giving god credit. It’s an insidious loop. I came to understand that living in a world where there are “good” things and “bad” things set me up to keep score. Again self centered. Me emotions were driven by a constant chatter of self evaluation. I had to let this go. It was really an obsession that was enabled and re-enforced by my Christian beliefs.
Fortunately I’m not longer concerned with being a good or bad person. I am concerned with feeling free and feeling good. And to that end I have learned to let go of a lot of things. This is a short list.
I have let go:
1) of the need to worry about what other people think
2) of the need to do everything “perfect.” I do my best and learn from my mistakes without beating myself up.
3) of the need to invest in particular outcomes.The rigorous honesty helps me to not defend myself when I have clearly done something harmful. It helps me make amends the best I can and understand my limitations without expecting myself to have god like powers. I also feel happier when I take personal responsibility. That means I act to clear up relationships the best I can instead of wallowing in how terrible a person I am.
I still feel shame when I have hurt someone either accidentally or on purpose. That is a good thing, but I don’t feel like I murdered someone when I simply insulted them like I did when I was a Christian. When I do lash out it reveals what I am still attached to and rather than wasting time evaluating how good a person I am I focus on what I need to let go of to be free again. Letting go often involves me repairing a relationship if someone else is involved. My body is a good source of wisdom in navigating this.
These states of being are different for each person because only we know how we actually feel. There is a certain amount of trial and error to find the right phrase to create a different world view. It takes practice and a focus on what you really want.
All of these require one to be in contact with their feelings. If you can’t feel you won’t know what you want. If you have been told it’s bad to want things because it’s selfish then you might have a feedback loop of shame every time you want something. These types of loops require one to get in contact with anger because anger helps direct you to set boundaries with shitty ideas. Humor and sarcasm can help as well because they have a way of cutting through what I call terminal niceness. This is one thing I really appreciate about how David expresses himself in writing and drawing.
There are no rules to this. Each person is slightly different. It is an art that involves a lot of experimentation. And if something isn’t working the quicker you shift the better you’ll feel.
A very holistic approach Richard.
To me the bad memories bring more a sense of shame than anything else. I remember more how the situation made me feel rather than what actually happened. And that usually results in an audible groan, a self-inflicted derogatory remark, or a general feeling of regret.
The worst memories are those of when I, in my zeal and ignorance, inflicted pain (in the form of rules, demands, accusations, judgement) on others. I’m thankful there were many gracious people in my life with a far more long-term outlook than myself, yet in my narrow-minded way of seeing the world, they were targets.
I am aware now, having come out of the fundamentalism of my earlier days, that there is nothing I can do to change how I was. It is what it is. I can, however, learn from my past and move forward. (Easy to say; hard to do. I struggle heaps with that.)
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to not remember, and I will possibly still recoil in disgust and some of those memories. That’s life. I need to own that. Truth is, a lot of that crap shaped who I am and remembering it helps to keep me grounded. I just wish I had a way of getting rid of the feeling bad part.
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