the three worst things about post-church survival

[David HaywardKeymaster]

After leaving the church, I think the 3 worst things about it for me have been:

1. theological uncertainty: (needing to develop my own theology that makes sense of my journey)

2. resources: there’s hardly anything out there to help people after leaving the church that isn’t church-bashing or flakey.

3. loneliness: yes, loneliness has been extreme at times.

What would be your top one? Or two or three?

• This topic was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  David Hayward.
• This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  David Hayward.

[AgnosticBelieverParticipant]

I think the worst thing for me is “What do I replace it with?” It was always a sad thing to leave a church…I am an introvert and need to push myself to do things and church can really be a part of me coming out of my shell. I often had friendships solely related to church and that was over after leaving.

Also feeling like something was wrong with me…why didn’t I believe the way the others did or have their faith (granted, I did really know what they were thinking and later on have found some of the most fervent people to be some of the most burnt out)?

[AngParticipant]

1.  Trust

2.  Trust

3.  Trust

Because I found out that pastors, elders, christians can be you best friend one day and the next week they can lie, cheat and steal and they see no problem with doing that.  How do you ever trust ‘christians’ again.  I want to hold on to my faith, but I don’t want to be seen as a ‘christian’ if those people are ‘christians’….  ????   So many unanswered questions.  And I don’t know how to find any answers.  It is like I lost everything I believed.  My soul was crushed and wondering if it will ever heal and be whole again.

[SylParticipant]

Al, I can feel your hurt – it really looks like you’ve had a terrible experience and I am so sorry. When you’ve been burned by someone you trusted – whether a pastor, a friend, a lover, a family member – it takes time to heal and begin to trust again – and trust wisely.

I wouldn’t worry about being able to trust Christians – just try to take each person as an individual, as the person they are without labels. Recognize that finding out someone identifies as a Christian may be a trigger for you. But also be aware that being extra wary after a bad experience means your survival instincts are intact. It’s a healthy reaction. Being aware of that when the red flag goes up can help you find your way. Some people will have to prove their trustworthiness to you before you let down your guard and that’s OK.

And not keeping a label that has a lot of baggage attached to it is OK too. It’s just a label, not the substance. Be good to yourself and give yourself time – it will take time. That you are here means the “pilot light” inside is still burning – it may be low and dim, but it’s there. That’s what the questions are. I think you’ll find that answers may come in surprising ways and from places you’d never expect. And if they don’t come, it’s possible to make peace with not knowing – and that can be something of an adventure in itself.

Hoping this helps…

[JacquieParticipant]

I can identify with you Al regarding your trust issues.  I’ve been through very similar issues as yourself and know how much you feel betrayed…it’s a toughie.

I would also embrace all that Syl says in her reply.  I’ll just pretend the reply was sent for me as well

Loneliness is a biggie for me and trusting enough (both trusting myself and trusting others) to build new and lasting friendships.  I have one very, very close friend from my church days in fundamentalism, and many more friends who are more like acquaintances now as our friendships were based on adherence to our fundi faith.   I have Christian friends who I would love to spend a little bit of time with but I am of a suspicious nature when choosing new friends now.

[pamwernerParticipant]

I think for me it has been:

1) finding my own identity that isn’t defined by my religious status.

2) Losing people, losing more people, and finally coming to the place where I have to embrace who I am and where I am even though I know it means losing more people.

3) Trying to figure out how to do life without the constructs of religion. How do I make friends? What do I do with my time?

Becoming comfortable with uncertainty has been difficult for me as well.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

good ones pam.

[Diane TuckerParticipant]

1.  Realizing how many other people I had influenced in the institutional church, wishing I could take back some of the things I taught.

2.  Moving past the fear of being wrong. (still working on that one), and learning to trust my own heart.

3.  Moving past my need to be accepted and validated by the church.

[Ruth AnneParticipant]

1) Family Pressure…. we NEED church they say and then I feel guilty because I’m not feeling that I need it so much….which leads to

2) Guilt… that I don’t feel more guilty… Thinking I must be completely “dead to the things of God” because I find church irrelevant and boring and a waste of time for the most part

3) A little displaced… like I’m no longer part of a “club” so I’m out there just drifting, not really belonging.

Funny though. I’ve been kind of drifting now in and out of churches for 10 years, mostly out and I just wonder now how I ever found the time to be so active in church. I’m plenty busy with out it!

[AgnosticBelieverParticipant]

Those are good reasons Pam…the loss of friends and identity.

[David HaywardKeymaster]

man these are all so familiar!!

[Anonymous]

Good question.  For me, I suppose it’s

1. Losing the potential for doing some good (I was working with youth).  I had hoped that even in a conservative church, I might have some impact.  The worst part of it is that I think I did, and people told me I did.  But I also was in danger of “church discipline” for some of what I write on my blog.

2. Leaving friends–even when it was bad, I always looked forward to the social time at church.  I had made some really good friends.  The good news is that my two best friends and my circle of friends just one level removed from bestie are all still my friends.  We left on our terms, and did it gracefully, so our friends understood.

3. Helping our kids through the process.  My daughter was okay (she’s so much like me, it’s scary), but my son was crushed.  He was so hurt at having to leave his friends.  And that naturally leaves me feeling guilty that I’ve harmed my kid.

This is a very recent transition, so I’m still sorting out how I feel about everything.

 

[David HaywardKeymaster]

amy: argh!! that stirred stuff up for me. i hear you!!

[starfielderParticipant]

The first thing I worried about was what on earth do I put on the applications for things (camps for my kids, para church opportunities such as being a jail chaplain) when they ask for a pastor reference? That was my worry. Of all the things in life to worry about I was so sad and felt unvalidated not being able to put a name there. Now, meh, I kinda take the attitude that it’ll work out. And I’m still sad but I’m hoping this will pass. Guess I’m waiting for it to pass.

[Anonymous]

Theological uncertainty…not sure where to even start.

Trust…even being here is difficult.

[Author]

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