Did you grieve?

[servantgirlParticipant]

I’m directing this question to the group in general, but I’d love to hear from those of you who have left the church or religion, either permanently or temporarily.

Tonight while at dinner with a friend, she stated that she couldn’t understand how I could have so easily walked away from religion.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but easy is the last word I’d use to describe my departure from the church.   Leaving for me was like walking away from a long-term relationship.  It wasn’t a, “I’m outta here and good-riddance” kind of thing.  I hurt.  I wept.  I felt alone and betrayed.  My faith was not a hobby for me, but something I held to with every part of my being.  I wanted God to show up.  I actually fasted, prayed, begged, pleaded, and bargained for him to appear.  I didn’t issue an ultimatum, but I made it clear that if he didn’t show up, I would be lost.    I went through all 5 stages of grief.

Ordinarily when you’re grieving, when you’ve suffered a loss, or been through a bad breakup, there are people who rally around you.  However, when you leave the church, it’s viewed as if you brought it upon yourself.  It was a cold and painful time for me.  No one consoled me.  No one said they understood what I was going through.  For awhile I was so depressed that I asked myself if life without the church, my previous support system, was worth the pain I was feeling.  Leaving religion for me represented real physical and emotional pain and I had no one to turn to.

So I’d love to know if you grieved.  I’ve met many people who were so through by the time they left that they said good-riddance and felt relieved.  I’ve met others, who like myself, didn’t want to acknowledge that the faith of their lifetime was no longer true.  What has your departure/separation been like emotionally?

• This topic was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  David Hayward.
• This topic was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  David Hayward.

[starfielderParticipant]

servantgirl, “So I’d love to know if you grieved.  I’ve met many people who were so through by the time they left that they said good-riddance and felt relieved.  I’ve met others, who like myself, didn’t want to acknowledge that the faith of their lifetime was no longer true.  What has your departure/separation been like emotionally?”

I felt like Orleanna in the Poisonwood Bible. “As long as I kept moving, my grief streamed out behind me like a swimmer’s long hair in water. I knew the weight was there but it didn’t touch me. Only when I stopped did the slick, dark stuff of it come floating around my face, catching my arms and throat till I began to drown. So I just didn’t stop. -as narrated by Orleanna in The Poisonwood Bible, page 381-”

I stopped. I had night sweats. My heart would pound. I cried. The questions asked by those who stayed go like this, “who are your friends?” or “I hope you aren’t isolating yourself?” I feel like I left the club and I am definitely an outsider. My faith is different now. It is more open and full of freedom. I found a group of people who had participated in the Ignatian Exercises and joined their group. There isn’t any cross talk. No one solves my problems. I hang with more funky people and funky stuff. It’s awesome! But, I still have my moments when I wonder what was all that? So, no I don’t feel “good-riddance and relief.” But I do feel alive and I do take joy in things that are life giving. (art, quiet, good music, sunshine, rain clouds, the smell of the air, good conversations, wine with friends) My heart doesn’t pound if it’s life giving, it simply beats and is content.

[Anonymous]

Yes I grieved and more. God will show up, He does it when we least expect it and often after we have left out support system of the church. Then He can come to us while we are alone, without the fall back support of church, so it is just you and Him, no one else. Others will not understand, although if you speak to someone within the monastic tradition, you will find understanding and acceptance of your situation and without any judgment against you. So relax and enjoy your freedom out of the church and one day, He will show up big time!

[servantgirlParticipant]

Yes Starfielder! I’ve shared that I’m the same person I was before, except I no longer pray, tithe, attend church, or read the Bible for devotional purpose.  I am much more alive now.  I used to think I was living before, but looking back I see that I truly wasn’t.  I’m glad that my departure was as emotionally hard as it was.  If it had not been I would not be so secure in my lack of belief.  I think that, and the fact that I’ve always been a nice person, is what stops me from being an “angry atheist.”

@ Steve for about 6 months before I officially left the church I tried that.  I had stop attending services and stepped down from my roles there.  It was an amazing time of personal reflection and me intimately building my relationship with God.  I cut out the noise and voices offering advise or condemnation and focused on me and Jesus.  My theology grew;  my faith did not.  The more I sought Him, the less I believed.  I did not set out on my journey expecting to walk away no longer believing in God, but that’s how it ended.  18 months later I am fully over that initial grief and I’m on my own spiritual journey that has nothing to do with religion and faith, but everything to do with people and love.  There is a freedom in living and loving without what I like to call a ‘God Filter’ that is indescribable.  The old Happy Goodman Family song lyrics best describes my walk and where I am:

Well, I started out travelin’ for the Lord many years ago,

I’ve had a lot of heartache, I’ve met a lot of grief and woe.

But when I would stumble, then I would humble down,

And there I would say I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now

I would not trade a single moment of past pain for the journey I’m on now.  As a non-theist I’m am extremely wary of other non-theists who deny that their past religion has a positive impact on who they are now as people.  I’m no longer looking for Him to show up though, I’m now the one in complete control

 

[David HaywardKeymaster]

Man did I ever grieve! Still do. I’m not totally whole yet. Still fractured. I left the ministry 2.5 years ago and left the church at the same time. Since then I’ve lost a lot… income, friends, security, etc. Since then I nearly lost everything… my mind, my self, my wife, my family.

[starfielderParticipant]

Wow servant girl, your journey sounds awesome!

[servantgirlParticipant]

David, thank you for your transparency.  I’ve been on the public parts of your journey with you through your blogs and facebook, and I recognized your struggle.  I’ve stopped grieving my loss of faith, but I do still occasionally miss the connection.  I think that’s what made me start my blog, and what drew me to this website.  As hard as my departure was, David I can’t even imagine what it must have truly been like, or still is for you.  Yet you never stopped ministering, at least not to me.  I will admit that finding your blog when I was struggling and you were still with the church, then continuing to read your writings after you left, was extremely encouraging to me.  We’re all here because of the work you do and I for one don’t take for granted the sacrifices you’ve had to make to be here for us.  {hugs}

[servantgirlParticipant]

Starfielder – It is awesome, but since I’m unlike any other non-theist I know, it can sometimes be a lonely road.  I have a full life with people who love me so I’m not lonely.  However very few get me.  I actually rarely tell people I’m an atheist because the minute that I do it changes things.  Someone I’ve worked with for years just found out by becoming my friend on facebook and she said she could not believe that I didn’t believe in God.  She was genuinely shocked as my transition from Christian to atheist happened while we worked closely together and she never knew.  Belief or lack of belief should not have an impact on being a decent human being.  You shouldn’t be able to spot the difference.

[starfielderParticipant]

servantgirl, “Belief or lack of belief should not have an impact on being a decent human being.  You shouldn’t be able to spot the difference.” I think this statement is what I noticed…that there are really awesome people that have no belief in God. I noticed that they are decent human beings. It helped wake me up to all the time and effort and energy I was putting into church. This is one thing that helped lead me down this road. I’m like you, I generally don’t share what I believe spiritually now since it changes things. I’m with you on that one. I am so grateful for this site! I appreciate you sharing your journey.

[JeffParticipant]

ServantGirl, grief is a great way to frame what happens to us in the wake of church death. I wonder why I hadn’t seen this before; I’m a grief counselor for Pete’s sake. Even though I can’t think of a circumstance in which I would go back, I grieve this loss every week. I miss belonging; even though that meant a bunch of pain.  It’s better that I’m not there but the loss still hurts. So yes, I mourn the loss of church. I think the pain can turn to depth and appreciation as time goes on… reinvesting in life and in the things we love and are willing to live for.

[servantgirlParticipant]

Don’t worry Jeff.  I was a psych nurse and didn’t initially recognize it as grief.

I miss belonging; even though that meant a bunch of pain.  It’s better that I’m not there but the loss still hurts. 

That resonates with me so much.  I have no regrets nor do I have any desire to ever return to organized religion, but the loss of belonging is something I still feel.  We have such odd relationships with those we attend church with.  I have a life filled with people who love me.  I’m never alone unless I choose to be, yet I still feel a loss of connection related to my separation from the church at times.  The psychology behind that is something that I’ve been examining a lot lately.  Does it have to do with the fact that I was actively involved in the church, including the worship team?  I still unconsciously find myself singing worship songs and have to pause to examine why when I no longer believe the sentiments.  Is it related to indoctrination?  From childhood I was taught the importance of church.  I never chose to be religious, and but for the geography of my birth, Christianity may not have been the religion I left behind.  So many questions running through my head about that.  I thought when I left the church and left religion I’d have less questions; I was sorely mistaken.

[starfielderParticipant]

servantgirl, have you heard Frank Schaeffer on NPR talk about faith? He talks about not believing in God and then turning around and praying. He says he has no answer for this… indoctrination? Culture?  But his interview made me read his books. Crazy for God: How I grew up as one of the elect, helped found the religious right, and lived to take all (or almost all) of it back, and Patience with God:Faith for people who don’t like Religion (or Atheism). 

I find I miss the sense of belonging but I don’t miss church.

[servantgirlParticipant]

Starfielder, I have read Schaeffer. I find that he is another person who is not so easily labelled.  I’ve recently cancelled my blog, or I’d direct you some of my past posts, but even before I read Patience with God, I’d been blogging about the same things he wrote.

I think one of the big divides between the religious and the non-religious, is the fundamentalism that exists on both sides.  Someone recently asked me what kind of atheist I was and I told them I was simply one that did not believe in gods.  That’s it.   There seems to be an expectation of more that goes along with that label.  The fact that I may share the same beliefs on some social, political, health, and sexual issues with some atheists, is purely coincidental.  The same was true when I was a Christian

I find a better sense of community with people who are decent human beings, regardless of their faith.  I have major issues with religion being a part of our politics, courts, schools, and other public institutions/policies.  The misconception is always that my issues stems from some “atheist agenda.”  My only desire is for all to be fairly represented.  If there is to be prayer in schools, then I want the prayers of all faiths to be heard.  When politicians turn their podiums into pulpits, they isolate the millions of people who are not of the Judeo-Christian faith.  You can’t deny a group the right to marry based on religious beliefs, but utilize their tax dollars to pay the salaries of those who are denying them their rights.  I’m able to share these beliefs about the public effects on religion, without calling for people to give up their private faith.  I may not believe, but that does not give me the right to judge, nor assert my “correctness.”  What Schaeffer says about the caustic nature of New Atheism and Fundamental Christians emphasize why I often feel like a lone wolf in the non-theist world.

I believe in inclusiveness and I want to surround myself with people who share the same beliefs.  We don’t have to agree on all things.  I’d actually be terrified if we did.  However, if we can meet on a mutual ground of decency then things can work.  There is nothing new about New Atheism.  The only thing that differentiates the so called ‘4 Horsemen of New Atheism’ from earlier minds is the way in which information is shared now, and the fact that they live in a time and in countries where they do not face death for their lack of belief.  The rampant Islamophobia, and other toxic things in their message is no different to me than the Westboro Baptist Church protesting on the street corner.  One of the major conflicts that I found between myself and other atheists is that I did not come to my lack of belief by reading the work of New Atheists.  I got here by enrolling in seminary and studying my religion.  Just as I don’t need the Bible as a moral compass, I don’t need some atheist author either.  I found friendships amongst the non-theist community, but not true belonging.  My views and theirs don’t often align.

So that’s why I’m here.  I also miss the sense of belonging but not the church.  I don’t quite find that belonging in the non-theist world because of some of my beliefs.  I feel the most comfortable being open in a space where I know there exists a shared level of decency, fueled not by fundamentalism of any kind, but by basic love and kindness, regardless of belief, or lack of belief.

[Anonymous]

Servantgirl – I loved your earlier comment about no longer reading the Bible for devotional purposes. That intrigues me cuz that is exactly what I’d like to know how to do. Can you “splain” further on that? Thanks!

(I LOVED what all you guys have been saying in all thesedifferent forums, community stories, etc. IT IS SUCH A BREATH OF FRESH AIR and EXACTLY WHAT I’VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR! SO THANKS TO ALL OF YOU!!!

[servantgirlParticipant]

LOL Jo White, I’ll try to ‘splain it to you as best I can.
I’m no longer a Christian so reading the Bible isn’t a part of my daily routine anymore.  For the last months of my walk though, I read the Bible like I’d never done before.  I was open and objective.  I was no longer attending church at that point, so my Bible study was truly a personal thing.  Time spent in the word was the most intimate it had ever been for me.  I wasn’t reading looking for answers, or for it to speak to me, but I wanted a better understanding of the words.   I found what I was looking for and I’m truly grateful for that time.  I now read the Bible as I’d read any other book.  Sometimes it’s a resource,  other times I view it as Aesop’s Fables, a book with some good stories that I don’t hold to be doctrine.  It was a part of my life for so long that I still can acknowledge the beauty in some of the text.

[Author]

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