This topic contains 45 replies, has 15 voices, and was last updated by 
Danielle 4 months, 3 weeks ago.
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AnonymousThanks servantgirl. You “splained” it beautifully.
I think I grieve differently then most people… I grieve when I’m going through it. Starting with shock, I work myself through the phases right with and in front of people… verbalizing all the way (extravert). By the time I’m ready to walk, I’ve experienced and endured far more than any rational person should and at that time I turn indignant and leave.
It’s really God himself that I’m doing battle with now, because to me, he’s at the center of all my issues – the people in the church who have hurt me I just see as clueless at best, stupid more likely and evil at worst depending on who and what and how.
It IS a journey and we all are on different roads all the time. I’m not sure we ever stay consistently on a road if we are intelligent, feeling and thinking people that question… like all the people here seem to be. I think God allows plenty of room for us to differ in our beliefs. To me the bottom line is our heart and I’m sure experiencing some great hearted people on this site… open to others.. non-judgemental and honest… it’s really very beautiful.
servantgirl, “So I’d love to know if you grieved. I’ve met many people who were so through by the time they left that they said good-riddance and felt relieved. I’ve met others, who like myself, didn’t want to acknowledge that the faith of their lifetime was no longer true. What has your departure/separation been like emotionally?”
I actually didn’t grieve. Mainly because I was never “100%” there. My heart always seemed to be somewhere else. I couldn’t deal with the “don’t dance, don’t drink, don’t read, don’t listen to music”… I never understood it… So finally, the day I broke up with my fiancé, I began to drift in and out of attendance until the day I went “prodigal”. And then six years later, when I tried to attend another church for the sake of my newly converted friends, I found I didn’t fit in at all. And I only found there to be support as long as you were “in participation”. If you somehow showed you did things for the church and in the church (basically spend 100% of your time there) then you had friends and a community. But because of my 6 years of being “prodigal” taught me to see the world with different eyes, this “subculture” of Christianity didn’t make sense to me. The whole being a sort of “social club” with its own set of rules and regulations -where no outsiders were allowed, or if they were, they needed to be “converted” asap, again didn’t click with me. I loved God to pieces, but no one saw that. I guess I was the odd one out, with questions and with wanting more. So time passed and I slipped out of attendance. I don’t think anyone really pursued me to go back… More time passed and God dealt with me differently, without a church… it was there, with the help of an online community that I began to understand Grace. And I began to grow in “grace” until the day I decided to never attend again and had peace about it.
I now am a student of Theology without a church. Thankfully the institute says nothing about it.
I’m sorry so many of you are grieving because you’ve lost your community. But I do know one thing for certain. When you knock, and look, and seek, God honors that heart. So I pray that our quests will be honored and that we’ll form frienships with all sorts of folk (like here) so our lives can be enriched in love.
AnonymousFor me, I have grieved over along period of time, both before and after I left the church. Reading everyone’s comments on the various forums has given me both a sense of overwhelming freedom, but I also found myself totally gripped with fear. Can I really trust my instincts and what my heart is telling me in regard to Christianity and leaving the institutional church? What if I’m wrong? But you guys encouraged me to trust myself and continue on this journey and I’m really glad for that.
For me, grieving has sort of been replaced by the process of detoxing from all the theology/doctrine/legalism…and that is allowing me to finally SEE TRUTH, which is very exciting!!
I truly feel like I’m having a Damascus Road experience like Paul described in regard to “scales” falling off my eyes! The more I trust myself and this journey, the more all that old theology/doctrine/legalism, etc. is vanishing right before my eyes. I feel like for the first time I am truly SEEING that God and the Bible are all about love and grace – and all the rest of what the church teaches and expects Christians to do and believe – especially about the Bible- is pure bullshit!
This journey we are all on is about BEING – not DOING! But in the church, it is always about DOING and PRETENDING – never about truly just BEING. To them, “just being” is dangerous, cuz they can’t control and manipulate people who have time to actually stop and think and question what they are teaching you. So they have to keep you constantly busy and preoccupied. I can’t believe it took me over 50 yrs. to figure that out, and to finally say ENOUGH! GOOD RIDDANCE ( not to the people who I still miss at times, but to all the toxicity.)
It’s so ironic. I was afraid that if I turned my back on the church, that I would inevitably get spiritually off track (without them telling me what to believe, how to live, what was and wasn’t permissible, etc.) Instead, I feel like I am getting spiritually “on track” for the first time in my life! My heart and mind are soaring right now – full of joy and excitment to see where this new journey will lead me.
I am so glad there is room at the table for ALL of us – no matter what we believe or don’t believe. It’s all about sharing our journey, loving one another, and extending grace to everyone! The church is ripping people off big time! I don’t miss the toxicity and abuse, but I do still miss the “sense of belonging” like many of you. But I’ll gladly be an isolated outcast over giving up this new found freedom and ability to explore and SEE what is TRUTH for ME (not necessarily anyone else), any day of the week!
LOVE and GRACE to all of you on this website! Thanks David for creating this safe place for all of us to share our evolving ideas, questions, insights and feelings! YOU ROCK!!
Thanks Jo. Actually it’s not just me, but all of us making this site what it is. Amazing!
Jo White – it’s really all about money for the institution. Once a group is established and organized and money is involved the powers that be need more control to keep it going. It really takes on a life of its own and that gets scarily ridiculous.
AnonymousAMEN! Who wants to support a building???? Not me! I give the money I used to give to the church to people who are struggling and really need it. That blesses me WAY MORE than giving it to the church so they can pay their light bill and rent for a building they use twice a week to brainwash unsuspecting people. UGH!
I absolutely agree with Ruth Anne, institutionalized religion is basically something man devised. It’s about form rather than content. It’s not grassroots and spontaneous, based on relationships, like Christ and the apostles, and the disciples after them.
Nowadays, institutionalized religion has become something of a business. It doesn’t give to the world, it gives to itself.
And it can hurt people so badly.
And furthermore, many churches spread the notion that God will be disappointed in them somehow, if they don’t attend. As if God could ever be disappointed. An omniscient being, disappointed? His love holds no room for disappointment. Ever. That is not what “Grace” is about.
Besides, the Greek for church is “Ekklesia” which means “the gathering of those summoned”. It has nothing to do with a building, pulpit, benches, a program or screaming, showmen ministers. Nothing at all. So there is no such thing as “attending church”. Not really.
Now, I’m not saying that there aren’t loving folks in buildings known as “churches” that try to serve God and their fellow man from inside out. There are. But one cannot deny the hurt these buildings known as “churches” have caused.
AnonymousYou and Ruth Ann are so right and articulate it so well.
Jo….wow, can relate to this : “Can I really trust my instincts and what my heart is telling me in regard to Christianity and leaving the institutional church? What if I’m wrong?”
This may be the most difficult thing for me, particularly since I am single. I am relying 100% on my instincts, thoughts and discernment and, frankly….that is scary. In have always made decisions within community and feel out on a limb. This is part of what I need from this community – a place to banter about ideas in order to clarify my thinking.
For example…this discussion has wondered off into an area I have been struggling with. I hear (and understand) all of the frustrations with institutional religion. But when exactly does a group cross that invisible line to become ‘institutional’? Does any manner of organization qualify? This is not a hypothetical for me. It is extremely complicated to think about how you help resource others once things get to a certain size…it takes money, people, and sometimes buildings :/
Those of you who feel strongly about this, do you feel there is something inherently wrong with any organization/system, or is it just that you have never seen it done well?
Thanks for helping me process…
Hmmm… I think McBeth, that because we live in a broken world and we are humans, we tend to mess things up. The “church” (not the Ekklesia) but the church as we know it today comes from the Roman Catholic tradition (despite the Reformation, church as we know it still comes from that tradition). Scripture, for instance, speaks only of Elders and Deacons (as some form of organization was needed in the community, see here: http://www.openbible.info/topics/elders_and_deacons) but not of Pastors. Everyone had a say, everyone ministered to everyone else, there was no Spiritual Leader as the leader was Christ. What we see today: the bulding, the pulpit (that immediately creates a separation from the congregation), the benches, the tithe, the Pastor as spiritual head of the congregation, it really isn’t the way things were done. Man took the belief in Christ, he hijacked it and made it fit into a tidy box.
This website is very interesting if you want a clearer picture. http://www.revivalorriots.org/
I understand that it can be hard. In my case it wasn’t because I was never 100% inside the institution. A Pastor friend of mine once told me I had the gift of prophesy (not to foretell the future, but to see what was wrong and fell a strong sense of passion about the wrongdoing). Perhaps this is why I didn’t grieve when I left the church, my heart was never in it. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t agree with it. And my support net consisted of my friends that “happened to attend the same church” only six people, that still remain friends to this day and my non-Christian friends.
I believe, whether within or outside the institutional church, our walk with God is personal, his calling on us is tailor-made to fit the individual and he gives astounding grace. I suggest you pray, perhaps God will direct you to a tinier group of people that can become your friends/family instead of your church.
For instance, I meet up with 2 girls (one converted in February and I baptized her in my house about 2 months ago and the other one converted one month ago). We meet up in cafés usually and just drink coffee, talk about God, go through the discipleship course they are taking, talk about our lives… We are an “Ekklesia” (you can see my above post on that) and God, wow, God has acted in their lives in such a way. It makes me heart all fuzzy to think about it.
But, those who wish to remain within the church? How can one judge? It is God after all who knows the hearts… I found my way outside the church and I have grown more spiritually in these last 7 years outside the institution that I ever grew within.
This is my unique, personal experience, it is not the same for everyone.
Because then again, what can one really know? I just pray God’s grace will guide me to the next steps and I’m trying to take life one day at a time.Much love to you McBeth.
Happylee, Thanks for these links! Awesome!
I love, love, love the direction this question had gone in. I have so much to say about the direction of the church, the face it puts forward and how far removed it is from its origin that I don’t even want to get started. I hear what everyone has to say loud and clear
servantgirl, I love reading what you write. Thanks for posting!
Yes, thank you Servant Girl for sharing your life.
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