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I had an interesting exchange today with a family member. My brother in law posted the following on his Facebook wall this morning…
“I have spent much time not talking about this subject due to people getting really mad at me but I have to do it due to so many speaking about it. If my memory serves me right marriage is a union in front of GOD. What right does the Government have to make decissions on this subject. Does this not infringe on church and state. Why does the Government have anything to do with this, if this is what you all want then why dont you rally the Government to just allow you to share benefits. That would work much better for me because my son has great benefits and he could then add me on his insurance. The bible speaks very clearly on the subject of a union between a man and a woman. I have many gay friends and I support them no matter what they do, but the Government has nothing in this. Im sorry but I have sat on my hands for as long as I could. Being married is not a Government issue, it is a GOD issue, you should be praying to him to change his mind.”
This individual is very much a rebel in his own way and has a great deal of respect for me. I suppose it is because I like him and think he might not be totally put off by my views that I decided to respond with the following comments of my own…
“Every culture has had some form of secular marriage contract or arrangement. Christians choose to also make their marriage a covenant with God which has no bearing (nor should it) on the state contract of marriage which provides for an array of benefits and protections. You don’t go to your church to obtain a license or to get a divorce nor do you turn to them for the benefits and protections of marriage. In all actuality it is the church who should have no say on the secular contract of marriage. We are a nation built on the principle of religious FREEDOM…not religious CONTROL of the state. And as much as I wish the issue was clear in scripture…when one really studies the actual passages they find translation pollution and a complete lack of the clarity the religious right keeps declaring. I’m like you Ronnie…I have sat on my hands for too long and the church has got it wrong in their constant attempting to control everything in society.And we the church will never change the world in the courts. We will only lose the world that way.”
For me to make such a statement on my Facebook wall does open me up to much family questioning and even criticism by some. Though most know my beliefs have changed somewhat, few would ever dream I would feel this way on this particular issue. Yet my own nephew is gay and has had a horrible struggle over the years of understanding himself. A part of me says damn the torpedoes…it is time to speak up and be counted. And this would have likely happened long ago had it not been for my adjunct status at my local Christian university. There my beliefs would be resoundingly condemned and could potentially cost me my part time job which I absolutely love. But still…the potential of possibly cracking open my brother in law’s mind even a little bit was difficult to pass up.
Interestingly I noticed a little while ago that he deleted the entire post. Knowing him the way I do including his respect for me, it makes me think perhaps he is no longer comfortable voicing the opinion he did. At least not without taking more time to consider what I shared with him. And perhaps it is best that he did read my thoughts and then take down the thread. Not sure I am totally ready for the barrage of questions from some in my family and/or the risk of exposure with my university.
All of this makes me wonder WHEN I will feel comfortable completely exposing my beliefs to some. Family is perhaps the hardest. I don’t want to lose relationships with them and my mother would not understand and only worry needlessly. At 82 and just having buried her husband, this would be the last thing she needs. Still sometimes I really struggle with the feeling I am not being true to myself.
Small steps I guess. I’m glad we had the exchange on gay marriage today as it is an issue I feel very strongly about. But sometimes the whole part of me that still feels trapped by the church I left behind (most of my family does not even realize we quit all together) just wants to scream.
Anybody else feel this way?
I DO!! But I told my husband that I DO NOT intend on telling my parents anything about my changing beliefs. Why worry them?! I know they’d panic. My mother and I have had conversations regarding homosexuality but have only skimmed the surface. My parents are in their early 70’s and would totally freak if they thought I had abandoned my faith. They are ok with me not going to church (even though they go) because they KNOW I have been extremely hurt. I keep most of my thoughts to myself , not sure if this will get old but that is my stance so far.
As far as my brother goes…he has already voiced his angry opinion about me not going to church, so I could only imagine if I started to share my most recent change of beliefs. oi
As far as friends go…I hold the last ‘christian’ friends I have at arms length. So I really have no intentions on filling them in unless I’m pressed to.
I know this prob isn’t helpful. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
Actually SaraJ it is helpful. Like you I have different levels of openness with various groups of people. And I too have no desire to hurt or worry my mother. Christian friends? Not sure what they are any more. None of them maintained a friendship when I left the church. A couple of them who were still on my Facebook wall grew confrontational and either unfriended me or I did them. Don’t need that nonsense in my life any more…LOL.
Anyway thanks for letting me know you struggle with these issues too.
Hi @Gary. I know…its not easy. I have one friend on my fb that doesn’t really initiate contact anymore, not since sharing David’s cartoons etc. I have a feeling our friendship is fading. Its unfortunate. She’s a great gal but I can see her feeling uncomfortable with things. I’m all for her accepting my changing beliefs but I don’t think she is up to that. My other ‘Christian’ friend is an old youth group friend and we keep things pretty basic ~ I don’t see her much but we are part of the same running group…I’m not sure how things will pan out (she may assume that I’m just going through a phase of NOT going to church).
Anyhoooo…that’s my ramblings. This may seem dishonest or sick but I keep thinking that I would like my parents to leave this earth with the peace that I DO believe in Christ and that I am ‘saved’. Is that wrong? Maybe, probably. I’m sure this journey and deconstruction will bring me to a place where I will have to share the truth about where I am at. Some days I sit back and think , ‘…holy crap. Everything just unravelled SO quickly. How did I get here?’ So , I may be in a different place next week.
Peace!
Haha!! Just when I posted that last comment and hit the ‘submit’ button this is what showed up “ERROR: Slow down; you move too fast.”
I sure don’t say much. My brother has questioned a couple of things I’ve liked on Facebook, specifically nakedpastor and one called “I survived Christianity”. But when I responded honestly he didn’t seem to desire to continue the conversation. He is a Mark Driscoll fan, and I frequently have to bite my tongue and avoid making the comments I’d like to make.
My parents have no idea how far I’ve strayed. And I’m not sure I’ll ever open up to them about it since, as you both said as well, they are older, my dad’s health is deteriorating, why freak them out.
My kids are my biggest concern. I have felt grieved that I no longer have a faith to pass on to them. Just have to see where that goes.
SanG sometimes I think it is good that my kids were grown before I fully embraced my present journey. However…considering our broken relationship with my daughter and her judgmental condemning ways I sometimes wish I had asked these questions while her mind was still young and impressionable. If I had it to do again…I would have taught her to question everything.
AnonymousThe only family I personally have any contact with is an aunt and uncle and we don’t really discuss faith much at this point. They live in a different country and I don’t see them much although we do email quite a bit. My in laws I have quite a bit to do with and it’s all pretty superficial. Hubby’s family are pretty much all ultra-conservative Mennonites. My liberal views and attempts at being grace-based as much as possible don’t exactly fit in.
Like @Gary said, you have different levels of openness with different groups of people. How open you can be is sometimes determined by how safe you feel also, at least for me.
AnonymousI am the devil in my family, I am the accuser of the brethren there, definitely! I am dreaded in my family. I have been since I could remember. One of my most telling exchanges with my mother and others was when mom told someone, right in front of me, ” I don’t ever like to ask Kathy about anything, because I am afraid that she will tell me!” and everyone laughed, but me ( I think I was a brooding teenager at the time). If you are merciful to/on your families you will enjoy much more amicable and generous time with them. My path is one of the dreaded black sheep, the grist in the meal, and any other metaphor for challenger there is. I have lost my families love and respect due to my insistence on expressing my views and opinions when they share theirs if I see danger or abuse in their thought processes. If I’d chosen to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself, I know I’d be living a very different life, with less pain and less battle scars (one is a seventeen stitch scar above my left eye i for for saying, “No you don’t understand.” ) I am very blessed in that I have found at least one other person who loves me for my obnoxious adherence to my opinions and I am finding more loving people outside my family to fill the familial bonds roles. It has taken lots of time and searching though. I would say I wish I’d done it differently, but then I am not so sure how I would have lived with myself. All I do know is as soon as I could realize my own heart and mind about issues, particularly concerning the fundamentalist dogma I was raised with, all I could think of was how misshapen and misguided their views on Jesus and the love of Jesus seemed to be. I grew up in a world of Bible and Paul worshipers, where Jesus was just a superhero with much less significance than the entire Bible or the writings of Paul.
AnonymousOh, this is interesting. My parents started interceeding on my behalf when I told then I drank a Smirnoff Ice at my friend birthday party. I was 22. Since, I’ve shared with them my theological deconstruction and assured them I am “rebuilding” it puzzle piece by puzzle piece.
For me, language and tact play the greatest role when I consider sharing something of this nature with my family and friends. Many of their worst fears were realized when I came out, so the rest is a bit of a breeze.
AnonymousAugh, please excuse me for butchering the powerful metaphor, Grist for the Mill! I can’t believe I missed that one, I have grown up around mills my entire life. I know about mills and I still blew it. Sorry folks. Peace out and blessings on all of you for your kindness and mercy, you show to your families. Mine wishes, I could have been more diplomatic, I am sure.
Telling your family about a change in belief can be a very tough issue, especially if your family consists of a lot of diehard evangelical christians like my family does.When my beliefs first started to change, I was pretty open about it. My mother was the most open to the changes but I was hesitant with my grandmother at first and “came out” to her about some of my beliefs by giving her a book on universalism at christmas, oddly enough, which led to an interesting lunch conversation later. Conversations with my uncle, however, essentially led to us not talking at all since he became downright rude about my beliefs.
But yeah, nearly 5 years later and I’m still playing it by ear as far as what I tell my family and what I don’t. I haven’t even told my open-minded mother that I don’t consider myself a christian anymore and I’m not sure when or even if I will. It’s hard because of course you want to be open with at least those who are your flesh and blood, but it’s not always possible without avoiding mass amounts of drama. It’s really a tragedy that things are so often like that and I’m going to make it a point to be more gracious with my own future kin. Even if people don’t agree, family and friends should at least be able to be open with one another about who they really are without fear of judgment.@SavageSoto – “Even if people don’t agree, family and friends should at least be able to be open with one another about who they really are without fear of judgment.”
How I wish this were so. We only have one couple in our lives we can truly be totally open with. For everyone else, especially blood family, there are levels of trust.
One of the fantasies I have had to release the past couple of years is the one of “family”. I’ve always had this fantasy that my father and I could have a heart to heart. Just last week my mother told me that I should never expect that from him. And my family of origin is pretty f’d up too. Letting that fantasy go is actually quite liberating and now I can relate to them on a more realistic and honest level.
I’ve often wondered how I would handle it if my parents were still alive. I feel they would be heartbroken to know my feelings now. And, like others, even though I wish I could just say how I feel, I’ve decided to try and keep peace in the family. I know where they come from; I was there for too many years. Just for them to accept the fact that I no longer attend a church building and not disown me is a great accomplishment as far as I’m concerned.
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