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Gary 1 year, 9 months ago.
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You’ll find your way! I know it!
Hmmm… you know, just thinking about what Jlac said… I have this really good social life. And I’ve always been well-liked by people. I mainly don’t go out as much because I can’t really afford to and I work long hours (9AM to 6.30PM) so I’m beat by the time I get home. And I really, really like solitude! But people just come into my life and want to be friends… I never fail to connect with the people I meet and I truly think that for some reason I cannot understand, this personality was given to me for a reason. I think it’s to help others… I’m always eager to listen and help people… I’m not saying I’m perfect at helping others, nope. Lately I’ve been so sad that I haven’t been returning phone calls and I’ve been avoiding friends, but… all this rambling is to say that you can be pretty darn lonely despite a good social life. I’m not alone, but I’m lonely. And it’s overwhelming sometimes… So even if you build intimacy in relationships with others, a mate is a different thing altogether. And the lack of a spouse/partner can and will affect you no matter your thriving social life and your great relationships. This is where I am now in my life.
As for masturbation, sometimes the hormones (especially when we’re ovulating) get the best of us. Add loneliness to the equation and what else are you going to do? But… it’s a poor substitute for real connection in a sexual way. However, Scripture is pretty clear on it not being a sin, as there is silence regarding it. So for some, it’s a way of engaging in those sexual needs when you have no spouse/partner, etc. But as I posted earlier, I believe lust is hollow, especially directed at someone who is not your spouse. So when you use this lust and engage in masturbation, there isn’t a positive outcome. At least not for me. It’s not building me up, rather making me feel even more alone.
Thanks JLac for starting this discussion. I’ve enjoyed reading all the replies.
I’m trying to download the 50 shades Trilogy in illegal PDF form, lol. I’m now pretty curious. Maybe we should start a 50 Shades topic, hahahaha.
Happylee let us know if you download it. I thought is was an entertaining read.
A little late on this topic but here goes. I’ve shared before that I was a survivor of years of sexual abuse as a child. Part of my recovery included extensive cognitive, behavioral, and sexual therapy. My take away from sex therapy was there are no rules or taboos as long as there is consent. I find that I have a more matter of fact approach to sex than many, and don’t usually get caught up in taboos; pornography being a big one. What does bother me about porn is the exploitation of some of the actors, but that’s a whole other topic.
Funny you should mention 50 Shades of Grey and literotica/erotica Chad. I am one of the few women I know who could not read that book. (I’m going to read your review after I write this though) I read a few chapters and was mostly underwhelmed. That could be a result of me knowing the true dialogue of BDSM, or my aversion to bad writing
If there were a “gateway drug” for pornography addiction amongst women, it would definitely be erotica though. The images brought to life on pages often breed a desire to see them acted out. In the absence of a sexual partner able to provide that, porn is usually the next step.I used to be a substance abuse recovery and addiction nurse. With many addictions there’s usually more going on than just the “using.” I’ve watched porn both privately and with partners. Had I watched it without a healthy understanding of sex and sexuality, or before I had dealt with my own sexual issues, I could have absolutely become addicted to it. What it sells rarely happens in the real world, but I understand its purpose without judging those who watch it. However, once it becomes the primary focus of your sex life, once it becomes an addiction, the decline is pretty fast. There are no back alley deals to be brokered for it, all you really have to do is turn on your computer.
I know of 2 resources that friends have used to overcome their porn addiction that I’ll share here. I know there are others, but I work better with first hand accounts of success.
1. Pornography Addiction Help -Secular resources
2. XXX Church – Christian resources
Sexaholic Anonymous also has addresses porn addiction, but I have a professional and personal aversion to that group basically taking the AA book and making it about sex. Sex is a good and pleasurable thing, this group makes it seem dirty and does less to help the addiction than shame the addicted.
There is also Cure The Craving – Secular and Christian resources
AnonymousI know I already weighed in on this, but I wanted to add something. I mostly see a lot of “it’s bad, fantasy is lust, porn addiction” kinds of things, and that makes sense if that is how a person honestly feels about it. But I have a completely different experience. I spent a lot of years frozen in a complete lack of ability to let go sexually. I had learned at church almost right away that good girls kept their legs together and that having sex outside marriage was only one notch lower than the worst offense, which was being gay. I also learned that I was supposed to magically go from complete self-control to some kind of special, awesome bond with my husband.
We didn’t technically “have sex” according to the Virginity Owner’s Manual (that is, we didn’t have intercourse) before marriage, and no oral sex, but we did fool around quite a bit–for which I felt extremely guilty. After we got married, I expected it to be uncomfortable the first time, but after that to be just so amazing–only it wasn’t. So I ended up stressed, distressed, and unable to enjoy a physically intimate relationship with my husband. I kept hearing in our conservative evangelical church that marital sex was THE big, important part of our relationship (and of course, completely taboo for unmarried couples and gay people). The problem was, it wasn’t going so well for us and I felt guilty and like I was at fault.
It was only once I freed myself to be able to enjoy reading about–and yes, watching–sex that I realized that the problem WAS with me, but not what I thought it was. I was just still viewing sex as bad, bad, bad. Once I started seeing it as a good thing, so much changed for my husband and me in our intimacy. We both feel entirely comfortable with all sorts of things, including solo sex and active imaginations. I don’t honestly find most erotica and porn terribly appealing, but I do like trying out things I read or getting in the mood and then enjoying some time with my husband.
All of that was to say that I wish that we could move away from the “it’s bad and addictive” thing. This is likely true for some people, but it’s not true for everyone. And when we harp on the bad things, those of us who have found freedom and healing because of erotica or porn end up recycling old guilt. I’m done with that and I won’t go back to it.
Amy, thank you so much for being real and sharing your story. I really appreciate your perspective.
Chad
Amy, thanks for speaking up. I think your perspective is refreshing.
Amy, great viewpoint, thank you, so, so much. And thank you Servantgirl for those resources, since I’m a big nerd and read everything that people recommend, I will check them out.
I once met a woman who’s husband had an online pornography addiction. His credit card bills were huge. And she, well… let’s just say her self-esteem was destroyed and she left him, as he was unable to let go of his addiction. They have a small child. I dare say the family was broken by an individual’s addiction (like so many families get fractured because of any addiction).
Yet Amy gives a startling and refreshing perspective to the issue… and it got me thinking.
I concluded -after reading Amy, that if -with a noble heart you- seek to find improvement and a discovery through a certain practice -checking out pornogrpahy, etc… without falling into addiction and avoiding a heart that becomes so riddled with lust (and I don’t mean sexual lust… I mean lust as always “wanting” and never finding satisfaction)… then it’s all good.
This being my own, personal conclusion based on this discussion, which is pretty awesome. The fact that we learn from each other.
For me, as I’ve stated before in this thread, Erotica in all it’s forms is much more compelling and titillating than Pornography if my husband and I were in the mood to read or watch Erotica. But I’m not married, so there you go.
And also, in my very personal experience as a single woman, “lust” is a hollow, meaning it leaves me feeling even more alone. And sadder, because the fantasies I play out in my head, are just that -fantasies-. The reality is that I am still single. And it’s pretty painful to come down off my fantasy cloud and experience the solitude and lack of sexual life that I struggle with. Yes, there’s masturbation, which I believe is a healthy practice (if I can control my thoughts and not fall into the hollowness of lust) but really, it’s not the same thing. So I struggle with a sexual appetite, loneliness etc and well, I’m finding my way through these things.
It sucks. It really does.Regarding 50 Shades, I did download it from a torrent site and started reading and I will continue reading just so we can talk about it @starfielder
– but oh my, this woman writes so baaaaadly… lol.Happylee, yes she writes badly! And seriously those characters are warped and in need of some serious therapy! The story line is vapid and totally unrealistic. And I laughed and read away…
AnonymousThanks for the kind words, all. It did occur to me–after posting, of course–that I may be talking about something different from regular porn. I find typical porn very off-putting for a number of reasons. What I checked out was “realistic”/not as graphic and had an actual plot. Same with reading material. I couldn’t stomach page after page of smut. But a good story, visual or written, really helped me find a positive view of sex and my body. In that case, it’s not just about the act but about the relationship, too. And at no point have I felt any sort of what I guess I would consider to be a compulsion. That is, I felt like I had what I needed and there wasn’t any reason to continue looking for more (at least not visually). A good story still does make me want to “reenact” with my husband, though.
LOL about 50 Shades…I wasn’t going to read it, in part because I think my definition of “erotica” and the author’s are radically different. Her writing is so bad. I’m reviewing the series on my blog with a new post every Monday, because a number of friends asked me to read it and share my thoughts. I’m not as funny as Jennifer Armintrout, though. If you don’t want to bother reading the books (or you just want to have someone to commiserate with), you should check out her blog.
@Amy: I can’t stop laughing with the Jen Reads 50 Shades of Grey… hahahahaha…. excellent.
Can you post a link to your blog?
AnonymousShe’s hilarious. I loved her contest.
My blog is Unchained Faith.
Amy, I love your blog about 50 shades! It’s awesome! Thanks for the link.
Here is Ellen reading from 50 Shades…
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