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We were actually friends for 14 years (at one point inseparable and more like sisters). When I found my heart leaving the church, the dynamics in our friendship changed. I was becoming more myself (which I had stifled most of my life) and in the process learning how to set boundaries and speak up for myself. Soon after I left the church our friendship crumbled. I felt to share with her how our friendship was toxic at times ( I didn’t quite say it like that, I was gentle) and shared with her how she had hurt me over the years. I took full responsibility for not voicing my true feelings over the years. LONG story short….she would not meet with me face to face to work things out, even to agree to disagree, or to part peacefully. Instead I got an email from her saying ‘I feel that there is no forward motion in resolving our issues. I hope that you can take your hurts to God as I have taken mine to Him. I hold no bitterness’. And that was it. She cut me off.
She heads up the women’s ministry at the church.
I had listened to her and been there for her for 14 years through many ‘crisis’. She was always in crisis ( most of it was self induced).
All I really wanted from her was acknowledgement of her roll in the decline of our friendship.
I know it was toxic to a certain extent. I know I’m better off now.
But I HATE LOOSE ENDS. And it drives me crazy that her last email was so trite and self righteous. It pisses me off.
I have not made peace in my heart regarding this loss.
Anyone have insights? I’m open.
Anonymous@SaraJ thanks for sharing your story. The timing here could not be better. I was just having a conversation with an old friend about “Fear” and how it rears its ugly head in so many different and often unrecognizable ways.
In my story, the tables are turned and I am the one who backed away from a friendship quickly. I was a pastor at the time and my friend was going through a tough time of indecision and questioning. He questioned all sorts of stuff, even the very core of my current theological beliefs. Because of the influence I knew he had in my life, I backed away from our friendship for fear that he would change me. I know now that it was fear, plain and simple. I have since apologized to him for responding fearfully to our friendship and for being a lousy friend.
I think that some people just do not have the capacity to deal with folks like us. We do not fit into their concept of the world that they know, and so rather than respond from curiosity and kindness, they run away and steer clear of any conversation that might threaten that perfect world they have envisioned and change them by persuasion. I don’t know if that is the case with your friend, but I am sorry that this happened to you.
Anonymous@SaraJ You’ve done everything you seemingly could to close that loop. It’s tough to breathe and let go. I know. I had to do that recently with an old friend of about 15 years. I tried to get some response but never even received an email. As much as it pained me, once I finally just simply gave up trying, the burden was lifted. I felt a release like I hadn’t experienced about our relationship in years. I can now remember what our friendship was in its heyday instead of remembering it for the pain it had become.
There’s a hatha saying that is understood as “people are all doing the best they can.” I think of that often. Each time something happens that hurts. To let go doesn’t release them from their responsibility – it simply releases me from the weight of wanting them to act differently. A weight which, incidentally, is not really mine to bear in the first place. The graciousness you’ve shown in allowing this to dissolve within you is a powerful step. Kudos. The exhalation that lets go of that final thread will bring great relief.
@SaraJ I’m so sorry about the friendship dissolving. I had to do the same. But unlike you, I just cut off contact with her. I didn’t feel that the relationship was reconcilable at that point, so I didn’t bother. I’m not sure whether the last straw was when she gossiped something really personal about me to a mutual friend (as a “prayer request” of course) or whether it was when her husband publicly announced that my husband makes too much money as a teacher. Either way, I was done. I think that you’re so much braver to have made the attempt, even if your friend wasn’t willing to meet you halfway.
SaraJ, this is the exact thing that got me started running. I’ve also learned to be good at figuring out ways to channel my anger. Throwing dishes is great! Throwing glass in the recycling dumpster is awesome. Smashing eggs works. And running, well..
It really sucks that this was the response to you. But I’m finding it’s common…
@John Interesting that you brought up fear. I never thought of it that way. That she is afraid to ‘go there’ with me. She indeed has always chased that ‘perfect’ world and I guess I just didn’t fit into it anymore. At least you had the courage to go to your friend and bring peace. I respect that.
@The-Shaeman Thank you for your insight. I’m hoping that the ‘final thread’ is close and that I will be able to let go.
@Amy Wow! I’m sorry that happened with your friend ….
@starfielder Exactly why I started running too!! When I started to feel the pressure of our friendship a couple of years ago and my uncomfortableness (is that a word?) with church I needed an outlet. The dish-smashing sounds therapeutic as well.
“But I’m finding it’s common…”
I guess this happens huh!? Just shitty responses from people who we thought cared.
I guess I just don’t get how she can so quickly move on with her life like it never happened. Like we never knew one another. And how she can get up in front of the church women and be ALL that but she can’t work it out or at least part ways peacefully with someone who was once like a sister.
ok. I’ll stop whining now.
At this point it might be best to let the sleeping dog lie. You’ve already expressed your frustrations and feelings, you’ve parted ways, and even though it may feel like she had the upper hand with that nasty email, it’s probably better this way. Go blow off some steam, delete that email, and try to find some consolation that one more toxic person is out of your life! It will ease over time.
Thanks @Deanna Ogle. I think you are indeed correct.
Wow I can’t count how many times this has happened. Lots of loose ends and unresolved relationships.
Anonymousyes, many loose ends and lost friendships along this journey. Even family who basically ignores me and acts as if I don’t exist. Its painful.
yes @kim_tacheny… i’ve been “unfriended” and “unfamilyed” too
This past Victoria Day (Canada) marks 3 years since I last saw my son and his wife. They did not speak to me, just dropped off a letter explaining that I could not see them nor my three granddaughters any more because of the differing doctrine (they had recently become followers of young earth creationism). So I am basically non-existent to them and many fellow church goers who I thought were my friends.
This experience had the further effect of shaking me loose from the Christian delusion. So many things can be justified by the interpretation of the bible. It is sad how religion is so hard on relationships. It kind of puts the lie to the unity of the spirit.
ouch @hugh
AnonymousA mentor once told me that writing a letter and tearing it up/burning it can help bring a person closer to closure, in situations where confrontation is either impossible (death, no contact info), or unwise (a toxic person or a past abuser). I’ve done this a few times, and it helped me some.
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