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So, this week a lot of the popular bloggers have taken to their keyboards to talk about spiritual abuse this week: http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/abuse-series-intro
My initial reaction was, “Huh, I think I’ll have to contribute a post!” But then my thought was immediately snuffed out when a thought in my head said, “Oh shut up. You weren’t abused. You’re just whining. You know everyone around you is waiting for you to just get the hell over this stuff already so you can start talking about something else.”
And while I didn’t grow up in a Quiverfull family, or SGM family, or in the Shepherding movement or any of those other really awful groups, I was hurt. Maybe it wasn’t abuse, but it certain wasn’t good.
That’s when I realized that I have a shaming voice in my head! This is a big deal for me to realize this, I think. It’s the voice that just tells me to quit talking about it — to “get better”, to be quiet, to shut up. And I can’t. That’s not good, that’s not healthy, and that’s not who I am right now.
So, I’m going to work on one. It may not be perfect and I may not get it onto my blog in time for this week, but I am less afraid now to speak out.
Are you going to contribute? Do you have a shaming voice in your head too? How do you get rid of it and tell IT to shut up?
In my humble opinion I think church culture breeds shame. I bought into all of it. So, how have I crawled out of it, you might ask?
very slowly.
Brene Brown has a lot to say about shame resilience. You can watch her TEDEx talk here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0
She also has some things to say about the power of vulnerability. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0
and I’m still unpacking … hope to hear more….
give us the link when you write it @deannaogle
AnonymousYes Ms @Deanna Ogle I declare this hour to be the bitching hour…. Now get on board!
No seriously I never get tired of reading your writing. And all those folks that say “Oh get over it” and “Stop being so negative.” What they are really saying is “Shh, don’t tell anyone about this or they might not like Jesus anymore.”I totally agree with you John!
Anonymous@starfielder Looking at the link you gave with her talking about vulnerability and making fun of herself with the audience laughing reminds me of what I do with stand up comedy and making myself vulnerable with that. She said she died when 4 million people watched her video on you tube.
Isn’t that living the full life that Jesus talks of with “those that lose their life …. will gain life” or alteranetively “those that keep their life wil lose it”. She seems, does she not, to be doing better by making her choice to be vulerable than hiding away fomr vulnerability with research as she talked of her original intention to do?
I totally agree with @starfielder .
I actually had a pastor who went around telling people to ‘just get over it’. IT still rings in my head. Blah!!
And @John… ‘What they are really saying is “Shh, don’t tell anyone about this or they might not like Jesus anymore.” = TOTALLY!!
I would love to read your blog/piece @Deanna Ogle
SaraJ, I think we know the same pastor. Lol. And @DeannaOgle, I want to read it too!
I wasn’t going to post, for a lot of the same reasons. I was exposed to abusive teachings, yes, but I never felt explicitly abused by the leadership. I ended up writing something, though, because there are lasting effects even when it’s not explicit. Full disclosure: we do attend church; I like the liturgy, it makes me feel connected spiritually. But I will not allow a church to “own” me again. Anyway, here’s my post: Spiritual Abuse Awareness Week: After-Image
When talking with a friend yesterday about the pastor coming over to talk to our son about his upcoming baptism, she pointed something out to me. He’s been asking for about 2 years to be baptized. In his Sunday school class at our former church, he made what they call a “faith commitment” (that is, he said he believed in Jesus). He wanted to be baptized, so we talked to his teacher. She said she wanted to meet with him to discuss it, so I brought him to church to meet with her. She whisked him away to her office, where she talked to him about who-knows-what for about a half hour. At the end, she came out and deemed him “not ready” because he couldn’t spit back the Magic Words of Salvation she was expecting.
Compare that to our current pastor talking with him about baptism. She came to our house, sat on our couch with our daughter cuddled up at her side, and shared with all 4 of us what was going to happen. She explained the procedure and answered the kids’ questions–including our daughter’s unrelated question about whether she liked the Sphinx or the Pyramids better. At no point were we asked to leave, and at no point did she ask him whether or not he was a “real” Christian.
My friend said that in the first instance, she feels that our son was spiritually abused by the person at our former church. She said he NEVER should have been spoken to without us–it was inappropriate. I believe (and she hinted at this too) that it was not about our son at all but about me, because I was already known to the church as a “problem” because of my blog. It was a way of controlling me as well as my son.
Thanks Amy for posting this. As a teacher, I feel angry that your son was treated this way… but so thankful for the experience of your second pastor. Go Amy! Great job figuring this out!
I’m thankful that our son didn’t feel hurt by this. He didn’t really understand what was going on, so all he felt was disappointment that he couldn’t be baptized at our last church. But even then, he let it go pretty quickly. He’s so easygoing, very little ruffles him (from the outside, anyway–he’s a perfectionist, so he gets upset with himself easily).
Okay, so for all who wanted to read… I didn’t quite write it in time for the coordinated week and it’s not strictly about spiritual abuse. It’s about Easter:
@Deanna Ogle. Great Post. THANK YOU. I’ll be thinking of you on Sunday… easter is my least favorite holiday. At least the church part of it is…
I read your blog post @DeannaOgle … i totally identify with it. great writing. this: “When I questioned the catch phrases and talking about drowning… I was talked down to and told that my questioning was “abusing” the Bride of Christ.” I get that a lot as well. thanks for posting it.
Anonymous@starfielder – I totally love Brene Brown. She rocks. I took a shame resilence course from her that was life-changing. I feel sometimes like I’m the Queen of Shame.
Full disclosure: hubby & I still go to church although we cherry pick which Sunday to attend based on my getting the church bulletin emailed to me every Friday. We’ve been forced to listen to Lenten readings lately that are borderline abusive and definitely shaming. Basically how we were / are all just pieces of shit under Jesus sandal until He died for us. Yes He died for us but Yes we are also free…let’s act like it..(what I feel like saying to the rest of our church sometimes.) The News Boys song “I am Free” was attempted to be sung in church by our worship team a few years back but the congregation sung it so flatly it’s like they don’t even believe it…that song wasn’t sung very much needless to say.
K.
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